Part 5: Please Lie To Me
by pjstillnoon
Summary: "Please, lie to me, tell me this isn't happenin'." Chapters edited 5/5/13
1. Chapter 1

_AN: Now, before you get completely confused, let me explain. _

_I originally wrote this part in March. But I was nervous about posting it because of the subject matter. I looked for a way around it, I really did. I spent weeks thinking about the storyline and trying to find another solution. But once a story takes roots it's hard to sway it in another direction and what I felt in my heart was that this was meant to happen. It was meant to be. But like I said, I got nervous. I talked to a friend about it and their reaction, shall we say, was quite a shock to me. They were very displeased and put me off posting them here. And so I wrote what you know as part 5: You Can't Lie To Me in its place to try and convey a similar general idea without using that plot line. I wasn't happy about doing it and it has bothered me ever since. I've been talking to other friends and family about those 'lost chapters' and they've told me to follow my heart. It's something I wish I had the strength and conviction to do in the beginning._

_What happened was, I wrote Please Don't Lie To Me (part 5B) and then when I lost confidence, I wrote You Can't Lie To Me (part 5). Because I thought part 5B would never see the light of day, I took some chapters and scenes and re-wrote them (just like the original scenes from part 5 I have re-written to include in 5B). You probably won't appreciate reading them again but I have included them for context and so we are all clear about what happens from now on; so that there is one cannon. The flashbacks I have not. (There are some new scenes in there though, so maybe keep an eye out for them). What happened in part 5 did happen, but in a different way, this way. So you can choose not to read this part if you so wish and still pick up part 6 and it will make sense, just not quite as much. _

_The timeline might be a little harder to follow now and I hate that I've done that to you, my loyal readers. This is what I really wanted to happen. I hope you choose to follow me along this journey too._

_I hope you don't get confused. I hope you don't get bored. I hope you actually read this. I hope you will forgive me for the brief moment of insecurity. I shall answer questions for clarification. _

_I acknowledge Cloe and CharlieBravo. Cloe, for believing in me even when I didn't have the courage to post these chapters and for quietly and patiently waiting for me to come to the same conclusion she got to: they needed to be shared. Charliebravo, for giving me the courage to post through the bravery of posting her own._

**PJ**

"Please, lie to me, tell me this isn't happenin'.

**PJ**

"I kind of felt like it was too good to be true. You know? It happened so easily. They rang us out of the blue. Kiera was smart, emotionally mature, trustin', thought very thoroughly. It was the perfect scenario."

"No such thing as perfect."

"Exactly. So does that mean the otha shoe was always gonna drop on us?"

"At least it wasn't a house."

Cal did a mental huh. His silence indicated what he didn't say aloud.

"Lewis and I watched the 'Wizard of Oz'."

"Good movie."

"Yeah. He enjoyed it. Especially the scarecrow."

"Yeah the scarecrow is definitely Lewis's style."

"If that's the case, would you not have gone through with it knowing how it was going to turn out?"

Cal thought for a moment. "No. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have embraced the experience more. I would have let myself feel more than I did. I would have let myself love her more."

**PJ**

Cal reached for his phone on the top of his desk. Gillian's number flashed up on the screen as he watched it ring for a moment. He gave a little smile. He'd been at work for all of two minutes. He had only just put his phone down and shrugged out of his coat. Did she miss him already? Probably not, she was probably ringing him to ask him to get something on his way home. "All right darlin'?" He answered taking a sip of the coffee he had picked up on his way to work after dropping Lewis off at day care.

"I need you to come home."

Cal went very still all of a sudden as he listened to the voice of his wife. She was scared, frightened, her voice was shaking. "What's wrong?" He asked sharply, putting the coffee down heavily; dread settling into his stomach again. He grabbed his coat and headed for the door straight away.

"It's Lily."

His throat was too dry to ask any more questions. Her tone of voice was enough to tell him that something was wrong. Very wrong. Very, very, wrong. Her next words echoed around his head all the way out of the building again and down to his car, even after they had hung up again.

"She's gone."

**PJ**

Cal was torn between demanding answers out of her on the phone and racing home again as fast as he could. The problem was solved for him in some ways. An authoritative male voice in the background spoke to her, telling her he needed to ask her questions now and Gillian told Cal she had to go. So there were cops at their house. Which meant Gillian was dealing with the situation. Which probably meant Lily wasn't sick. She wasn't calling from a hospital after all. But then, if she wasn't sick, and Gillian said she was gone... And there were cops involved... Cal felt his stomach constrict. He was panicking. He knew that. But this was not the first time this had happened. Mitchell came to mind. And it was feasible for people to be able to break into homes even with someone asleep in the next room and snatch kid's right out from under their noses. He had seen it before. He had investigated cases like those. And it was almost always someone they knew. Usually a messy custody battle. It was usually the other parent.

There were three vehicles parked outside their house as Cal pulled into the drive way quickly. He dove out of the driver's side, racing across the wet path to get inside. The front door was wide open. He was in too much of a hurry to register that one of those vehicles was an ambulance. There were uniformed officers standing in the hallway and even from the front door Cal could see they were in the living room too. One of the male officers started to approach him. "Where is she?" He demanded not sure at this point if he was asking for his wife or his daughter.

"Sir," the officer started, he had his arms opened to herd Cal and Cal could tell straight away that he was going to be asked to identify himself.

"Oh piss off," Cal started to object. Wasn't it obvious he lived here? Why else would he suddenly arrive? And waltz on in like he owned the place? Why else would he feel stricken and sound panicked and be desperate to find his daughter or wife? Still not sure what he wanted. Still not sure what was going on.

"Cal?" Gillian's voice came thinly from the living room but it managed to cut through everything else in Cal's head and he spun towards the doorway. She was on the couch. She had been crying but was now sitting silently, her shoulders hunched over while she fidgeted with a tissue. A detective was standing nearby. His notebook was open, his pen poised; he gave Cal an expectant expression as he walked around the couch and sat next to his wife.

Cal realised the house was too quiet. "What's goin' on sweetheart?" Cal asked her gently. He forced his hand between hers and took her left. He moved it over to his thigh and wrapped it up in both of his. Her hands were cold. She didn't look at him.

"You're Mr Lightman?"

"Docta Lightman," Cal corrected although why he insisted on the title this time and none of the others he didn't know. Perhaps it was just something to say. He couldn't read Gillian's face beyond the sheer grief she was showing and he wondered what to say to her. How did he know how to comfort her properly if he didn't know what had happened?

"We can finish talking later. I'll give you a moment alone," the officer told them and walked away slowly.

Cal turned to Gillian. He put his arm around her shoulder. She didn't lean in to him and tears started to fall out of her eyes silently to drip onto her thighs. "What happened sweetheart?" Cal asked again. He rubbed his hand along the back of her shoulder, trying to comfort. She would feel guilty. He could tell. He couldn't see it on her face because there was only shock. But he knew her and if something had happened to Lily then she would feel responsible for it. He would too, if whatever had happened had happened on his watch. Cal rubbed along the back of her neck again. She felt cold. "Tell me," he urged softly. "It's all right. Just tell me darlin'."

"After you left I dozed again," Gillian started. She studied the carpet. A little frown appeared between her eyebrows. Cal nodded. She often did. Especially if Lily wasn't awake yet, demanding to be fed. Gillian blinked, tears fell abruptly. The feeling of foreboding got deeper and deeper into Cal's system. He wasn't aware of the other voices in the house anymore. In fact, his vision seemed to have narrowed down to his wife next to him and the edge of the couch and that was about it.

"Just half an hour more," Gillian added. Cal soothed his hand along her shoulder again. He wanted to interrupt. He wanted to shake the answers out of her. "I got up to check on her because she hadn't woken me up yet."

Time slowed down. Cal could hear his own heartbeat in his ears. He realised Gillian was still in her pyjamas.

"So I went into her room and I knew there was something wrong. It was too quiet."

Cal's grip tightened on her; hand and shoulder. It was like every cell in his body was straining now to hear her. She seemed to be speaking softer and softer. Or maybe it was just hard to hear her over the high pitched whining in his ears. His throat went dry. He couldn't help her say the words even if he wanted to. '_And she was gone_,' he finished in his head. He thought about what he was going to do next. Who he would call. Who he was going to interview.

"So I went to the crib." Gillian choked on a sob.

'_And she was gone_.'

"She was... she was..."

'_Gone_.'

"Cold. She was so cold."

'_What?!_'

"She was already gone Cal!" Gillian cried and turned into his chest, finally taking the comfort that was right there. Cal went rigid. She was cold? She was gone. His world dropped out from beneath him sending him into free fall. He got it now.

She was dead.


	2. Chapter 2

_AN: a big thank you for your support and understanding, all of you, it means a lot to me. Just to be clear, this is a replacement for the other part 5. I will leave it up though in case some people don't want to read about the death of their daughter. Otherwise... carry on :)_

**PJ**

"I've been in denial. I didn't want to deal with the adoption thing so I didn't. I didn't want to deal with cancer so I didn't. I've been runnin'. I haven't been in the moment. And if I don't deal with this..." he shook his head. "If we don't deal with this. I don't know what will happen. But I can almost guarantee it won't be good."

"That's probably a safe assumption."

"Right so. Talkin'. Feelin's. And all that. Othawise this will destroy us."

**PJ**

The rest of it became a bit of a hazy memory. Days later when Cal looked back on that moment he wasn't entirely sure what happened in what order. Cal was aware of Gillian crying on his shoulder. He half comforted her but quite frankly he had difficulty getting coherent movements or thoughts to filter through the numbing knowledge that the baby had suddenly died. At some point during that morning the police detective came back and introduced himself. He told them the paramedics were going to take the baby's body away. Even though he spoke gently the officer's voice seemed so very loud. Cal wanted to tell him to tone it down. And he felt like he was freezing too. Probably because the front door was wide open and it was winter now wasn't it? There were too many strangers in the house, making Cal feel uneasy because he couldn't possibly keep an eye on all of them. Officers, forensics, paramedics. Too many people. He wanted them to all leave. Because if they weren't here then this wasn't real. If they weren't here then this wasn't happening.

Cal was startled by his cell phone ringing in his pocket. He didn't even make a move for it. After it had stopped he could hear Gillian's phone ringing where it had clearly fallen between the couch cushions. She ignored it too. The detective paused both times to let them answer but when neither made a move he continued tentatively. He asked Gillian what had happened that morning, step by step, and that was how Cal got all the details. He had checked on Lily before leaving the house with Lewis. She was sleeping. He was sure of it, because he had gotten in close, touched her head. She was still warm. She stirred a little. But she had seemed peaceful. Forty five minutes later Gillian had got up to check on her as well. In that time her lips had turned blue and her skin was cold to the touch. Gillian picked her up immediately. She tried rubbing her back while she called an ambulance. They talked her through CPR but it was clear it was too late.

Gillian turned to Cal, looking him in the eye. "I tried," she told him. "But it was too late." He nodded, held her hand tighter. He hadn't said a word yet. Not one word.

The questioning ended there because the detective had already spoken with the officer first on the scene to arrive. He found Gillian in the baby's room holding her tightly. He had taken a look at the little girl too, to make sure, and quietly cancelled the rush for a paramedic. He'd called for backup, an investigative team and forensics. He couldn't rule out foul play, even if he did seem to believe the story Gillian told. The house phone rang in the background. They ignored that too. The detective asked if they needed to answer it. Cal shook his head. He knew who would be calling. Work. He had left abruptly, told no one he was going...

The rest of the story Cal found out later. The details about what was in the police report; what was in the crib, what the baby was wearing, whether they had put her down on her back, whether anything was covering her face or mouth. There was no evidence of fibres in her mouth or post-mortem bruising that suggested smothering, strangling or shaking. The autopsy report cleared them of any wrong doing but no matter what that report said, Cal felt a modicum of guilt and he knew Gillian did too. He should have woken the baby. He should have moved her to be with Gillian. He should have done something. What could he have done differently? Sudden Infant Death Syndrome was by definition sudden. And it was inexplicable. She wasn't put to bed on her stomach. She didn't have blankets in her bed to smother herself with. Her clothing wasn't too big for her so she could pull it over her face. The room wasn't too hot or too cold. There were no gas leaks, no mould growing in her room... they had taken the very best care of her and she had still checked out.

Hours later the police left them. Cal closed the front door. He remembered that distinctly because it was cold. So, so cold. And then he remembered going down the hall and retrieving a spare blanket from the cupboard. He didn't remember closing Lily's bedroom door but he must have done because the next day when he went by it was all shut up. Unless the police left it that way. He didn't know. He didn't know what the official police report said yet but the detective they had been talking to felt the death would be ruled as accidental, probably SIDS; cot death. Not that that did much to soften the blow. She was still gone. The house was still so much quieter without her ridiculous laugh and incessant crying. Funny how Cal would give anything to have that crying back now. No. Not funny at all. He took the blanket back to Gillian on the couch and wrapped it around her and then held up one corner of it so he too could fit within its embrace. It was so cold. Their lives had taken a sudden turn and so, it seemed, had the weather. Cal shuddered; a shiver creeping over his skin like the cold comfort of a whisper of wind through the grass. Gillian turned into him again and he sat back with her clinging to him in silence. He had no idea what to say. To her. Just in general. No idea.


	3. Chapter 3

"I shouldn't have forced you into adopting."

"What?" Cal was shocked. "You didn't _force_ me into anythin'."

"But I could tell you weren't as interested in it as I was. I could tell you were scared and I ignored it because I didn't want to see it because I didn't want to deal with it. I'm so used to us agreeing on everything. I hated that this subject was the one subject we couldn't agree on. I felt a bit like it was personal."

"It wasn't."

"I know that logically. But inside I felt like you were resisting on purpose."

"I would neva do anythin' to spite you."

"I know that too," Gillian responded patiently.

"Sorry."

"I felt like you refused to get involved out of stubbornness. Now I can see you were just trying to keep a healthy detachment."

Cal felt sickened. "I just got attached and now she's gone."

"Sometimes I think I shouldn't have been so attached," Gillian spoke softly. "It would hurt less now."

"But how would that have made Lily feel?"

**PJ**

The only thing that seemed to cut through the sudden shock of it was the abrupt realisation that they had to pick Lewis up from day care. It seemed such a silly and mundane thing to do now in relation to having their daughter go to the morgue that morning. But life went on right? And Lewis still needed them. So they went together. Cal drove. Or at least he was behind the wheel because it felt like the next minute after leaving the house they were at day care and then on the way home, with Lewis chattering away in the background, oblivious for now that something was wrong with his parents but delighted his father had picked him up nonetheless, Cal didn't remember consciously making turns either. Lewis raced inside and went to his room and was there for less than a minute before he was back, suddenly quiet, his blue eyes large and questioning, as if he could just sense that something was out of place. Surely he must have noticed Lily wasn't in the car with them?

Gillian lay down on the couch and Lewis climbed up to sit on her belly. He jumped around. Gillian quietly fended him off and then he burst into tears. Almost simultaneously Cal's phone started to ring again and it was as if the double dose of noise and life and movement slowly brought him out of it again. He answered while Gillian let Lewis hug her. Cal took the phone into the other room. It was Heidi. She explained she had been calling all day. Cal checked the time. It was very late in the afternoon. Of course it was. Lewis did a full day now. He was a big boy. He was two and a half. He was being toilet trained and learning to talk properly.

"Sorry," Cal started talking. His voice sounded funny even to himself.

"Is everything all right?" Heidi cut in.

"No. Family emergency."

Boy was that an understatement.

Cal's throat constricted around the next words. He couldn't say it. Not even in his head, let alone aloud. He left it at the above statement. Heidi said she would let Ria, Eli and Paul know and that Cal should just call them tomorrow sometime to let them know what was going on. In the meantime, she would also reschedule his meetings and the Gottman Institute had rung but she would let them know he was unavailable and would call them back as soon as he could. Cal nodded along while she quickly ran through her plan of dealing without them there. It was a process that got a lot of use. Then Cal realised he was on a _phone_ and she couldn't _see_ him and so he croaked out a thank you and hung up relieved.

In the living room Gillian and Lewis were curled up on the couch watching TV under the blanket. Cal sat in the armchair. He was still cold. Was the heating not working or something? He wondered if he should make something for Lewis to eat. Or just wait for Lewis to tell them he was hungry. He wondered if Gillian was hungry. He wasn't. He wondered if he would ever feel something other than this crippling numbness. He didn't know what he was meant to do next. He supposed he should be strong for his family but to be honest, he was so tired of running, so tired of fighting everything all the time. This felt too monumental to just easily shrug off. More importantly, if he didn't deal with it properly, the consequences would be far worse. He could _sense_ that.

So Cal sat. He wasn't really paying attention to the TV. If he stared at it long enough the sounds would blur out into the background and the images merged into swirling kaleidoscopic colours that made no more sense to him than the thought of his daughter no longer in her bedroom. Was he supposed to call the morgue? Or the coroner? He didn't know what to do next. Could someone tell him please?

**PJ**

The strangest part was going to bed. Cal kept listening out, waiting for Lily to cry or make some sort of noise to indicate that she was awake and needed attention. That she needed them. They cooked and fed Lewis but neither Cal nor Gillian were hungry. Gillian put Lewis in the shower with her. Cal hadn't even realised she had gotten dressed. She must have when they went out to the day care. She put on clean pyjamas and read to Lewis while she put him to bed and Cal wandered around aimlessly after them for want of something to do. Something.

Gillian got into bed as soon as she put out Lewis's light and Cal followed along because she seemed to know what she was doing right now and he was utterly lost. He stripped down but left his t-shirt on because he just didn't seem to be able to get warm. They were barely settled before Lewis was back. He stood in their doorway and waited. Gillian got up to take him back to bed.

'_Poor little guy_,' Cal thought. He probably just needed some comfort. He might not know exactly what was going on but he could tell his parents were out of sorts. How were they going to explain to him where Lily was? Was two and a half too young to understand? Cal wasn't even sure he understood. Had Lewis noticed she wasn't there? Tears started to sting his eyes and he gasped in a breath that ached throughout his body. It was painful, to still live and breathe when that little body was cold and alone in a morgue.

When Gillian came back to the bedroom Cal was sitting up, his legs crossed, sobbing his heart out. That's what it sounded like. It was so painful, his body wracking in so much grief that Gillian felt her own heart stir. She was in tears before she had even gotten to the bed. She climbed over the mattress and rumpled bed covers to scoot in close to him. She put her arm around his shoulder and he turned into her immediately, crying into her shoulder while she cried into his. They clung on to each other tightly, desperately, taking as much comfort as they could from each other.

Cal felt like he couldn't breathe and then wondered if this was how Lily had felt as she had stopped breathing. Did she wake up or remain asleep? Did she know what was happening? Did she suffer? Parent's worst nightmare: to bury their children. And to fear that their children had suffered in their deaths.


	4. Chapter 4

"This is the closest I've felt to you in a long time."

"I was thinking that too."

A pause.

"I'm only sorry it took a death to make that happen."

"Me too," Cal responded sadly.

**PJ**

Cal thought there was no way in hell he would sleep that night but he must have exhausted himself through tears because he woke sometime when it was at the very centre of blackness. His arm was over Gillian who was turned in to him. His eyes were sore, swollen, gritty and his nose blocked up. He felt like shit on a whole other level.

"Hey," Gillian spoke up quietly.

"Why are you awake?" Cal asked as they moved into new positions. And how come he hadn't picked up on the fact that she wasn't asleep?

Gillian, on her back, reached for the covers and pulled them up to her shoulders. "Thought I heard Lily," she whispered.

Cal wondered if that was what had also woken him.

"I keep imagining I can hear her."

Cal rubbed his eyes.

"And then I have to remind myself that I can't have heard her."

He shifted closer against her so he could rest his head on her shoulder. He draped his arm over her abdomen, under the covers, and her hand came up to rest on his skin, like she often slept embraced with him. Next to her, he felt a little warmer.

"Because she's not here," Gillian finished.

Silence.

"In my head, I know she's gone, but my heart refuses to believe."

"I wish this was a dream I could wake up from," Cal offered. And he wondered whether he was talking about how he felt right now, or the reality of his daughter being dead, or the plans they had made together for their family, for their future.

"I can feel this," Gillian gestured lightly but struggled heavily over the words. "This," she tried again. "Awful weight, or pressure, in my chest." She spoke hollowly. "It's like grief but different somehow. I want to cry it out but it's like it won't budge."

"It will work its way out," Cal told her.

She petted his arm. "I know," her voice sounded hollow.

Although who knew how long that was going to take. And in the meantime how were they going to cope? How were they going to go about their days like nothing had happened? How were they going to take care of themselves for Lewis's sake? For each other's sake. For Lily's sake.

"Gill, we need to make a plan."

"What kind of plan?"

"For what we're gonna do next."

"With... for Lily you mean? A fffffuneral?" She struggled with the word but she didn't cry. She was emotional but she was keeping it in check. That's how Cal felt. He felt like he could cry but he wasn't there on the verge of it. There was just a black swirling whirlpool in his chest and it went around and around but didn't drain away.

"Is it too soon to think about those things?" Cal asked numbly.

"I don't know."

"Am I bein' cold and calculatin'?"

"I don't know."

"Me eitha."

"I guess there's nothing wrong with just dealing with it as we feel comfortable doing so."

"Guess not."

"Still have to function for the sake of Lewis right?"

"Yes," Cal agreed at a whisper.

They were silent for a moment.

"Gill?"

"Yes?"

"I think it's important to deal with this as much as possible so long as it comes up and we feel comfortable doin' so."

"What do you mean?"

"I've been in denial. I didn't want to deal with the adoption thing so I didn't. I didn't want to deal with cancer so I didn't. I've been runnin'. I haven't been in the moment. And if I don't deal with this..." he shook his head slightly, even though it was resting against her shoulder. "If _we_ don't deal with this. I don't know what will happen. But I can almost guarantee it won't be good."

"That's probably a safe assumption."

"Right so. Talkin'. Feelin's. And all that. Othawise this will destroy us. I just think if we don't talk, and I mean really talk, we're not gonna make it."

Gillian was silent for a moment. "I kind of agree."

"I'm not sayin' I have all the answers. I've been tryin' for months to have all of this figured out and I'm so lost I don't know what to do anymore."

"Me either."

"Really? Because you seemed fine," Cal asked dully.

Gillian shook her head. "I took my cue from you. I figured you were dealing and so I forced myself to be fine too."

Cal almost laughed. That is, if he didn't feel like utter shit, and cold and numb, like he didn't have feelings anymore. That is, if his daughter hadn't just died and laughing somehow felt like it was inappropriate, like it was belittling the seriousness of the situation; like she meant less to him because he had found something amusing so quickly after she had gone.

"I was so afraid during the adoption process but I felt like if I said anything to you about it you would just pull the plug. And I promised you and so..."

"We created another shitty situation for ourselves."

Gillian nodded.

"We really suck at this huh?"

Gillian almost laughed this time; Cal could feel her body give a kind of quiver like she had started but it had misfired. "We're not perfect I guess."

"Thought we were more clued up than most."

"We are. Because _this_ could tear us apart but you know what? I feel like it's bringing us closer together."

"Me too." And he wondered if that was the point of all of it. Did Lily come along just to fuse his marriage back together? And if so. Did the lesson really have to come in such a cruel fashion? They had been growing closer as the months went by. They were getting there. Now all of a sudden it was like they had rushed to the goal line; they had skipped the slow process and just clicked.

Gillian's grip tightened on him. "I'm scared it will destroy us. We both know it could."

"So, that's all right," Cal switched into comforting her mode. "We're aware. We won't let it happen."

"Ok," Gillian breathed heavily.

There were silent for another moment. Cal could hear rain on the roof again. The heavens were crying for his baby girl. They had been in mourning for three days straight. Even before she had gone. Did they know? Had they started their grief ahead of schedule?

"I shouldn't have forced you into adopting."

"What?" Cal was shocked. "You didn't force me into anythin'."

"But I could tell you weren't as interested in it as I was. I could tell you were scared and I ignored it because I didn't want to see it because I didn't want to deal with it. I'm so used to us agreeing on everything. I hated that this subject was the one subject we couldn't agree on. I felt a bit like it was personal."

"It wasn't."

"I know that logically. But inside I felt like you were resisting on purpose."

"I would never do anythin' to spite you."

"I know that too," Gillian responded patiently.

"Sorry." Cal was apologising for interrupting her.

"I felt like you refused to get involved out of stubbornness. Now I can see you were just trying to keep a healthy detachment."

Cal felt sickened. "I just got attached and now she's gone." His throat constricted. Gillian soothed the hairs on his arm again while they both listened to the sound of the rain on the roof.

"Sometimes I think I shouldn't have been so attached," Gillian spoke softly. "It would hurt less now."

"But how would that have made Lily feel?"

"Like she wasn't part of our family," Gillian answered even though she didn't need to say the words.

"You made her part of our family," Cal tightened his hand against her side in a hug.

"Sometimes," Gillian started but stopped abruptly.

"Go on," Cal urged gently and then waited.

"I kind of felt like it was too good to be true. You know?" She spoke hesitantly, like she didn't know how to put the words together, or perhaps, that she didn't want to say them aloud.

"It happened so easily," Cal agreed. "They rang us out of the blue. Kiera was smart, emotionally mature, trustin', thought very thoroughly. It was the perfect scenario."

"No such thing as perfect."

"Right. So does that mean the otha shoe was always gonna drop on us?"

"At least it wasn't a house."

Cal did a mental huh. His silence indicated what he didn't say aloud.

"Lewis and I watched the 'Wizard of Oz'," Gillian explained.

"Good movie," Cal answered while wondering when. When had they had time for that? And then, oh, realisation, before this morning... before this mess. Life had existed before then? It felt like there had been nothing before now.

"He enjoyed it. Especially the scarecrow."

"Yeah the scarecrow is definitely Lewis's style."

"If that's the case, would you not have gone through with it knowing how it was going to turn out?"

Cal thought for a moment; he could follow her train of thought easily. Most of the time he could do so easily. Sometimes he couldn't. Those were the times he was worried. Now, even though this was one of the shittiest situations of his life, he wasn't worried about his marriage. Because somehow, he felt closer to her than he had in a long time. "No," Cal whispered. "If I knew then what I knew now, I would have embraced the experience more. I would have let myself feel more than I did. I would have let myself love her more."

Gillian moved abruptly, turning over within the span of his arm so their bodies were pressed together, so that she could put her arms around his shoulder. She gave him a kiss, somehow knowing where his lips were even in the bleakness. "You, Cal Lightman, are a very compassionate man. You loved her. Don't ever doubt that or your ability to love."

Cal held her tightly, until he could feel her bones and let them ground him again. "Thank you."

She kissed him again. A quick kiss. A simple press of her lips against his. It felt like she had given him everything.

"This is the closest I've felt to you in a long time."

"I was thinking that too."

A pause. Same page.

"I'm only sorry it took a death to make that happen."

"Me too," Cal responded sadly.


	5. Chapter 5

"Is this what depression feels like?"

"Yes."

"It's awful."

"Yeah."

**PJ**

"I don't want to bury her."

"Oookay," Gillian answered slowly not sure what he was talking about.

"It seems wrong. I don't want to carry around a coffin that small. It's just not right."

Gillian listened to the roughness of his voice in the dark and agreed. She hadn't thought about that aspect of things yet and she was glad he was. She didn't want to have to deal. She wanted someone to hold her hand and guide her through this. She hadn't had to bury someone before. Grandparents didn't count. She didn't know how to be practical.

"You want her cremated?"

They had never had to actively talk about this before either. About what their preferences were when it came to funerals. That kind of stuff was in their wills. Lewis came into their room rubbing his eyes for cuddles. Life went on, the earth still turned, the sun came up. Cal still had to pee in the morning and as he walked down the hallway to get Lewis's hearing aids he had a hand on Lily's bedroom door, thinking it was strange that it was closed, it was never closed, before remembering that she wasn't in there. He stood for a moment, wondering if he should go in. It wasn't like he was banned from the room. But it somehow felt like it was out of bounds. He walked away hollow, a part of him missing now that she was gone...

They had breakfast together. Although for Cal it consisted of coffee and two mouthfuls of Marmite on toast that tasted like ass on a plate and made his stomach turn. Gillian had jam but she ate about the same. Lewis kept relatively quiet. He seemed more curious than anything; his blue eyes watching everything around him carefully. It was almost like he didn't know what to say and in some ways that was absolutely true. He didn't have words or the comprehension to break the silence; Cal didn't have the presence of mind. It was hard to tell if that was grief or fatigue.

The first break of conversation was about whether Lewis should go to day care or not. Cal said maybe he didn't have to go, because he couldn't quite bring himself to leave the house right now. Gillian said it was better for him to stick to his routine. Cal didn't have the heart to argue but he also suggested maybe Kate could take him for a few days too and Gillian refused that as well. Cal didn't have the heart to argue about that either. He didn't have the heart to go with them. Getting dressed seemed pointless. He was just going to get undressed again at the end of the day. So he lay on the couch, under the blanket while he waited for Gillian to come back.

Cal closed his eyes. They were so sore. And he felt so tired, so wasted, like he had no energy and certainly no inclination. His daughter had died. It just seemed so wrong, so out of place, so someone else's reality. He understood why Gillian wanted to keep Lewis with them. Without the toddler around what did they have? An empty house. But with Lewis at day care, what were they supposed to do next? When Gillian got back she climbed onto the couch beside him, under the safety of the blanket and they lay together for a long time in silence. Cal even suspected he went to sleep for a while because the phone ringing startled him. They both ignored it.

"Is this what depression feels like?" Gillian asked in a whisper. It sounded like she had been crying.

Perpetual grief? No sign of a way out? A physical aching? A heavy heart? Crippling fatigue?

"Yes."

"It's awful."

"Yeah."

"I went out to the car and saw Lily's empty seat and thought I had forgotten her."

Cal felt her body constrict as she sobbed silently. He rubbed her back while his heart silently broke a million times over. He wanted to cry too but it was like the tears had dried up or were clogged up and wouldn't come out.

"I almost came back into the house. I felt so guilty. Just for a second. Then I remembered."

Cal nodded. He knew. He had tried to go and get her this morning.

"What do we do next?"

Good question.

**PJ**

They lay for hours. Mostly in silence. Sometimes Gillian would cry into Cal's shirt. He thought she might have slept for a while. He didn't. He thought a lot. They were going to have to start making phone calls. To funeral homes and the police, for the report on the death and to get the body released; to work to explain what had happened. To family. To Emily. More importantly, to Kiera. But first things first; ring the police. So he gently shifted his way past Gillian so he could get up and made the phone call. He found out what had happened officially and somehow felt relieved by that. Not that he suspected anything along the lines of foul play had happened. He must have in the back of his mind. At least something was assuaged. Then he found a funeral home and organised for them to pick the baby up. He didn't want to. What was he going to do... put Lily in the back of his car? On the front seat? The thought made him sick.

Being practical made him sick. But at least the longer he played around with mundane tasks the longer he could put off making phone calls to their family and friends to tell them their daughter had died. He buried his head in his hands and wished he could shut the world out for just a moment. Just one minute where he could escape to another world in which he didn't hurt so badly and he could think coherent thoughts and be happy. They had been happy right? Just yesterday morning, life had been good. Yesterday early morning.

A warm hand ran across the back of Cal's shoulders. His head came up. Gillian was standing over him, looking concerned, her features drawn. He explained to her what he had been doing. She nodded, took a seat in his lap where he sat at the dining room table. Cal pressed his face into the front of her shoulder. "Am I bein' too callous organisin' this stuff now?"

"No," Gillian whispered. "One of us has too. And I can't even think about the next hour let alone the next day."

Cal nodded. "All right." At least he was getting something right in this mess.

Gillian's hand petted the back of his hair. "Thank you." Cal nodded again. "Do you think we should ask Kiera what her wishes would be for...?" She trailed off abruptly.

Cal spoke into her shirt. "I thought about it. I think we should ask her. Maybe reach a compromise if we can."

"You said you didn't want to bury her."

He shook his head.

"What do you want to do instead? Cremate her?"

"The idea of her in that little box in the ground seems so cold. She was just a baby. She deserves to be free."

"You want to scatter her ashes?"

"Somewhere nice. Like the beach. So she can fly free."

Gillian rested her head on top of his. Cal's thigh was going numb where she sat but it barely registered in his mind. What registered was the warmth of Gillian around his heart. When she was close by he felt better. If he could cling on to her forever then maybe he would be all right. Eventually. It would get better right?

"You should ring your Mum and Dad."

"You should ring Emily."

Cal gave a groan. Neither of them said it, but they both thought it. Someone was going to have to ring Kiera.

**PJ**

There were two very strange aspects about being home in the middle of the day. One was the quiet. The second was the fact that no one else was home during the middle of the day.

Cal prepared himself to call Emily only to remember she would be at work. In the afternoon he started to feel listless. It was too soon to pick Lewis up from day care. And he didn't have the concentration to actually work on something. Which brought him back to: what was he meant to do now?


	6. Chapter 6

"Hey Em, it's me."

"Hey Dad," she greeted pleasantly.

"Is Ajay there with you?"

"Why, do you want to talk to him?"

"No but you might want him around. And you're gonna want a seat for this one luv," Cal jumped straight to the point. He was lying in the middle of his bed. Gillian was curled up at his side, her head resting on his shoulder. His phone was on his chest, where Lily used to lie when she couldn't sleep. Cal's stomach was a tight mess of nerves and his breath was coming in funny. Gillian hadn't made her phone calls yet. She wanted Cal to go first. Lucky him.

"What's wrong?" Emily's voice was immediately tight with concern. "Are you sick?"

"No sweetheart," Cal could hear the deeper murmur of his daughter's fiancé in the background, probably asking what was going on. "It's worse than that. Lily's..." he was going to blurt it out and then stopped. He figured he should try to soften the blow a little. "Lily died," he said gently. Only marginally better. His stomach twisted up into a bird's nest of knots.

"What?" Emily's voice moved beyond stricken.

Now what did Cal say into the silence? It's all right? It wasn't all right.

"She died in her sleep," Cal forced words out. Emily would want and deserved the details, even if she couldn't ask for them. "Yesterday mornin'," Cal added hollowly. "Cot death." Should he go on? Gillian's hand tightened against his. Cal double squeezed it: comfort me. His chest felt suddenly tight. Gillian pressed her lips against his cheek in a silent kiss.

Emily didn't say anything for a long time and Cal didn't know how to break the silence. Anything after his bombshell was going to seem completely out of place. He waited for her to speak up. "But how did she die in her sleep? It's not like she was old enough to have a heart attack."

Denial.

"Sometimes babies stop breathin' in their sleep," Cal explained patiently. This wasn't a subject they had had to discuss before. She might not know anything about it. Cal hated he had to inform her because of personal experience. It was bad enough making the cancer phone call. This was a million times worse. A billion. A trillion. A gazillion. "They usually start up again on their own. But not in cot death. They don't start breathin' again."

And there was nothing he could have done about it anyway. The baby's breathing didn't always come through the baby monitor... usually only the crying.

"I don't understand," Emily said in a breath that sounded like she was crying now. Cal geared himself up to explain it again but Gillian gave his hand a little squeeze and shook her head. That's not what Emily meant. "She was so young!" Emily did sob this time and Cal understood. She was processing. He waited again. Gillian's hand relaxed against his as well and he was glad that she was there. He was glad for the guidance and comfort she offered with her wisdom and presence.

"I want to come home Dad," Emily said next. "I don't care what you say. I'm coming home."

"Good," Cal agreed gently. "I want you to come home."

Then there was a scuffling sound and Ajay's voice came on the line. He sounded tense and Cal could hear Emily crying nearby; she was probably leaning on his shoulder. Cal's hand inadvertently tightened against his wife's. The sound of his daughter upset made him feel twitchy. He had threatened to take baseball bats to boy's legs when she had cried like that in the past. What could he do about it now? She was a million miles away and life was more complicated than loser boyfriends.

"I'm so sorry," Ajay offered.

Cal didn't really want to thank him. What he wanted was for Ajay to not have to say the words in the first place.

"For your loss. It's terrible."

"Yeah," Cal agreed.

"We'll um, fly tomorrow some time," he sounded unsure.

"All right mate," Cal sensed the end of the phone call and reached for it. "Give Em a big hug for me."

"Of course."

"And then just call when you're in the city or somethin'."

"Yeah, and if there's anything we can do, just let us know."

Cal ended the call. He gave a heavy sigh, the tightness in his chest dissipating slightly. Only slightly. He hadn't realised it had gotten so bad. "One down," he noted glumly. Gillian remained silent. "Want to go next?" Cal asked her. She shook her head against him. "You have to call your parents." And her brother too and eventually, someone was going to have to call Kiera.

"Can't," Gillian choked out. Cal only realised then that she was bawling her eyes out. He turned over on to his side to hold her against his chest. He smoothed her hair and shoulder and squeezed her hand gently. He didn't know what to say. He hadn't even really tried. Did he tell her he was sorry? Was the pain he felt any less than hers? Should he apologise? Somehow the usual comforting words seemed woefully inadequate. Cal kissed her forehead and rubbed her back and waited. All the time in the world for Gillian.

"Sometimes it hurts so much," Gillian spluttered.

"I know," Cal finally spoke.

"Sometimes I think it would feel worse if she had been our baby. You know? Does that make me horrible?"

"No," Cal soothed.

Gillian cried a little longer and then wiped her eyes. She rolled to her bedside table where a box of tissues had moved in and set up a support centre. She pulled a few sleeves and blew her nose gently. She wiped her eyes again and turned back to Cal. He waited patiently for her to be ready. Forty eight hours after the fact was not making this situation any easier. For either of them. It felt like they were stuck in limbo; waiting for something to change. At the moment, it barely felt like they were even existing.

Tears continued to leak out of Gillian's eyes as she repositioned herself to make her phone call and she periodically wiped at them. She set her phone on the mattress in the gap between Cal's shoulder and hers. The top of his head rested solidly against hers and kept her grounded. His right hand was warm on her waist; his left hand held her right tightly where they rested on the bed. She fidgeted with his wedding ring. She connected the call and they both listened to it ring in the silent room. Cal shifted his hand and wiped away a tear that had just fallen to her cheek. Gillian gave him a wan smile. She steeled herself, his touch giving her a strength she so desperately needed right now. He gave her a little nod, telling her that she could do this and he would be right there with her, his steady blue gaze unwavering.

"Hello?"

"Mom? It's me. I have bad news. You should go and get Dad."


	7. Chapter 7

As the news broke and then spread, they began to get inundated with phone calls, flowers and visitors. Anyone they knew or had even met briefly, anyone they had worked with or for, anyone who heard the news of Lily's death sent flowers. The house was covered. Bouquets were doubled up in vases all over the dining room table. Many arrived in their own oasis. Without one, the flowers would have died. The false cheer did little to help Cal's mood, and the invasion of people into his home was annoying in the very least. What he wanted was to be left alone. What he didn't want was to offer a cup of tea and sit there while people told him how very sorry they were for their loss; heartfelt sentiments delivered in the entrapments of hollow words.

The phone call to Kiera was the hardest Cal had ever made. Gillian begged him to make it. She couldn't. She didn't want to. Cal didn't either but he at least was able to complete sentences without bursting into tears. He didn't need Gillian to make excuses, although he dreaded being the bearer of bad news, he would have done it so she didn't have to. Kiera was understandably stunned. They hadn't had contact with her since their day in court. She was already partly through the process of grieving for her girl anyway. Cal had no idea if that meant she had more to grieve for now, or if she had to start over, or what the hell was up or down anymore. Kiera asked if it was something she had done. Cal assured her it was not. It was just a tragedy. Kiera kept her composure and thanked him for the phone call. She asked when the funeral was.

That was the question on everyone's minds and so Cal and Gillian forced themselves to think about it more fully. The funeral director came to meet with them and helped them to plan something. A service. How was it even possible to have a service for a three month old baby? She hadn't even begun her life, how was anyone supposed to be able to get up and eulogise it? Cal let Gillian take control of that situation. The result was more like a viewing at the funeral home. People came by to pay their respects. Soft music was played in the background. The coffin was so small it seemed vulnerable.

They invited Kiera to their home. They didn't show her Lily's room. No one had been in there since she had died. But they wanted Kiera to be looked after, to feel like she was part of their world, that her grief was just as valid as theirs, that despite what had happened she was still family to them and she always would be. Gillian didn't let her out of her sight the entire day. She didn't leave Kiera alone with her parents, who had flown out from San Diego, or anyone else who was prone to asking awkward questions. Gillian made sure Kiera sat with them at the funeral parlour, right in the front row. She didn't cry much. Later she confessed she wasn't sure how she was meant to be feeling. Cal told her to just feel whatever it was that she felt; she didn't have to pretend to be something she wasn't with them.

Kiera met Emily and back at the house that afternoon they really hit it off. There were only a few years difference between them after all. They kept Lewis entertained and he was probably glad for the attention or distraction. The Lightman household had not exactly been a happy place recently. Cal snuck out to the deck and sat in the cold afternoon air. Gillian's family were also there at the moment and while he loved Kate and Matthew to bits, sometimes the matriarch of the family could be too much. Sometimes all of it just felt like too much.

"Are you hiding?" Gillian's gentle voice brought Cal out of a particularly deep daydream.

"Yes," he admitted easily.

Gillian sat herself in his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Are you ok?"

"Yep."

"Really ok?"

"Sure."

"It wasn't so long ago that you were dealing with cancer and depression..."

Cal traced a finger along her jaw and looked her in the eye intently. "I'm all right sweetheart. None of that stuff on my mind. Just today stuff."

Gillian gave a nod. "You'd tell me though right?" She asked gently.

"Absolutely would," Cal affirmed. "Can we kick everyone out yet?"

Gillian played with the hair at the back of his head. "Not quite yet. It would border on rude."

"How much longa then?"

"Maybe an hour."

Cal nodded.

**PJ**

"Ready to do this?"

"No. But would that make a difference?"

"No," Cal confirmed. They were doing this today. That was it. No more negotiation. No more stalling. No more dreading. He pulled out into the road.

"Bye!" Lewis waved at the house. "Bye!"

Cal watched him in the rear-view mirror. Lewis was excited about today. Cal felt numb. Gillian had cried that morning but she seemed resolved now. It had been three days since the funeral/farewell or whatever you wanted to call it. Lily's ashes were in a wooden box; the urn seemed far too small on its own. They were heading out to pick Kiera up from her Aunt's place in Manassas. She hadn't been at school since she had received the news of Lily's death. She was fine with Lily being cremated, she was fine with scattering the ashes; her only request was that they take her up to the lake her mother had taken her to as a child. An easy compromise. Cal and Gillian hadn't had the chance to establish anywhere special that would remind them of Lily, where they could go and remember her fondly. They hadn't even been into her bedroom yet. The door remained closed.

Lewis waved until the house was out of sight and then turned around in his car seat again and gave a little contented sigh. He was excited to get out of the house and do something different. It had been a lot of fun having people coming to visit. He showed off his room, which was apparently still rating highly on his list of entertainment options. He had literally stalked Emily and Ajay around the house whenever they came over; Kiera too when she had visited briefly. Perhaps it was good for all of them to get out of the house and do something different.

Time was meant to heal all. And time was moving on. Cal had to admit that he did feel better about things as the days went by. Less dead on the inside; more like he had feelings again. Feelings that didn't cripple with the pain of loss and grief. Gillian cried less; more like leakage of tears every so often. Lewis seemed to finally click that Lily was gone. Of course they had told him Lily was gone, that she wasn't coming back, but it obviously took him a while to really understand what that meant. He stopped asking about her. At the farewell he pointed at Lily for a long time and then looked around at everyone who didn't reach to touch her. (Cal refused to let Gillian or Kiera pick her up. She wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't feel right. And they would be left forever with that cold memory of the little girl, not the warmth she used to exude.) No one else picked Lily up or cuddled her and Cal could almost see Lewis do a mental 'huh' as he understood that it wasn't the same anymore. Lily didn't come home with them. Her bedroom door remained closed. She wasn't part of their family anymore. She was gone.

Gillian had suggested Emily come with them today but if they invited her, then that would mean Ajay too. And if Ajay and Emily came then that would open up the floor for Kiera to invite Melissa too. Melissa meant Gillian's parents could come and Kate would want to be there as well...The last thing Cal wanted was a million people all trekking across the countryside for something he considered to be private family business. He was a private man after all. And this was certainly a family matter. He wanted it to be just between the four of them; Cal, Gillian, Lewis and Kiera.

Lewis dozed in the back of the car while they drove to Virginia to firstly pick up Kiera and then on to the lake. It was cold for late October and so they were bundled up in coats but no one wore sombre. No one was in black. Cal purposefully dressed himself and Lewis that way and when Gillian had emerged from the bedroom she was in dark blue trousers and a red top and Cal had smiled. Not only did she look amazing but it was the first time she had 'dressed up' since Lily had died. Not including the form fitting dress she had worn to the farewell. It felt like things were going back to normal. Or a new form of normal.

Lewis blinked awake once they arrived at the lake. "Oh!" He pointed at Kiera. "Key-a hi!"

"Hey Lewis," she greeted. She unclipped his seat restraints and he pushed out of his seat to give her a hug. Cal climbed out of the front and walked around to the passenger side. He gave Gillian the car keys and a kiss on the cheek. Then he strode over to the information centre and pushed on the door to let himself in. It was warm inside and he unravelled the scarf from his neck, which had nothing to do with keeping the cool October air out and everything to do with a level of self-comfort and security.

A young man looked up from behind the desk. He gave Cal a welcoming smile. His name tag read 'Shelby'. He asked how he could help Cal today. "I'm Cal Lightman. I spoke to you a few days ago on the phone; about comin' up to scatta my daughta's ashes."

Realisation crept over the young man's face. He got to his feet. "Oh yeah. Um, really sorry for your loss."

Cal gave a curt nod. "Just wanted to let you know we'd arrived."

Shelby nodded again. "Thanks and just feel free to wander around. The park is open until sunset."

Cal acknowledged the information and headed for the door again. Gillian and Kiera were approaching along the path. Gillian raised her eyebrows at Cal in question. He gave a slight nod, everything was fine. Lewis ran ahead as they walked around the lake, keeping pace with the toddler so he was never too far out of sight. The day couldn't make up its mind. The sun came out periodically from behind clouds to race across the lake to their right and wash over their faces in bursts of warmth and comfort. A whipping breeze made their faces ruddy as they tramped around. Kiera had a particular spot in mind and so they trudged along in silence, the call of Lewis's voice ahead the only sound breaking through the silence of their minds.

A few miles along the path Kiera indicated a little break in the trees where they could climb up further to a natural platform. Lewis, as if he could sense this was where they were going to stop, was digging a stick into a puddle to the side of the track. "Let's go Lewis," Cal told him. "Up here." The natural track was steep enough for Cal to worry about his footing, especially because of the rain yesterday, so he grabbed Lewis and slung him over his back and told him to hold on.

It was less than a minute climb and Cal broke out above the line of canopy at lake level. He could see the entire span of the lake from up here. The water looked silver for a moment in a burst of sunshine. Gillian and Kiera were also studying their surroundings. Kiera pointed out the camping ground further around from where they were now. Then they all fell silent, even Lewis on Cal's hip, who seemed stunned at the vast expanse of nature in front of him. The wind whispered endearments and encouragements past Cal's ears even as his chest constricted with the thought of what they were here to do.

Gillian was carrying the wooden box in her hands. Cal came up to stand at her left shoulder; Kiera was on the right. Without a word from any of them (even Lewis sensed this was a good time to remain quiet), Gillian brought the urn out and held it within her right hand. They had pre-discussed this; they would spill a little bit of the ashes each. But Gillian held the urn out in front of her and hesitated. So Cal reached out his hand to cover hers. He could feel her arm trembling. Kiera reached out her hand too, fitting it around the other side of the urn and Cal felt this was more the right thing to do. He used a little pressure to turn Gillian's hand and the urn tipped easily. The wind caught the first fine sheen falling from the opening and spread them out through the air. Cal moved his arm to turn the urn in an arch. The dust swirled away from them in a dance, spot-lit by a sudden burst of sunshine. For a second Cal was sure he could hear Lily laugh. She had such a funny giggle. But he conceded it must have been the wind in his ears again.

"Oh," Lewis breathed as the wind died again and the fine ashes settled over the trees below them, further up the path than they had travelled. At least they didn't have to walk back that way. Everything was eerily still. The longer Cal looked the more he realised he couldn't see where the ashes had fallen and it was like Lily really was wherever she was now. Free. Gone. There was nothing to tie her to an earthly existence anymore. It seemed fitting. Cal wanted for her to be free. It was somehow important. He dropped his hand from Gillian's and turned with Lewis still on his hip and found a little gap between the trees behind them. He produced a small hand trowel from his coat pocket and made a hole amongst the leaf litter, while Lewis pointed out all the juicy worms.

Gillian approached behind him and placed the box, with the urn back inside it, into the hole. Lewis helped Cal cover over it again. He patted down the earth on top. "There," Lewis announced. He wiped his hands down the front of his shirt. Gillian, ever prepared, produced a pack of baby wipes from her purse. Cal wiped Lewis' fingers clean and put the wipes along with the trowel into the plastic bag and tucked everything back into his pocket.

They stood for a moment longer, watching a boat sailing through the water. The skipper must have spotted them amongst the trees for he raised a hand. Cal gave a wave back. Lewis waved enthusiastically. "Shall we go buddy?" Cal asked him.

Lewis watched him with bright blue eyes. He must have seen something in his father's face because he leaned forward suddenly to hug him. "Aww hug."

Cal hugged him back and then suggested he give Kiera a hug too. So Lewis did so and then "Mummy too", so no one was left out. Cal went down the incline first and Gillian lowered Lewis into his father's waiting hands. Cal offered his hand to Gillian and Kiera as they came down. He pulled Kiera into a hug when they were all standing on the path again. It felt like the right thing to do. He kissed her cheek and asked if she was all right. Kiera nodded. Not one of them had shed a tear. Cal wondered if that was meant to mean something significant. Or maybe they were all just cried out.

They headed back along the path. Lewis walked with them this time, stopping occasionally to pick up a stick and poke it at something interesting. In the distance they could hear the call of the miniature train. It saddened Cal's heart that Lewis didn't look up. But if that was the price to pay to have Lewis with him today...

"The train is really cool fun," Kiera spoke up. "Lewis would love it."


	8. Chapter 8

Gillian woke and for a second felt relief. It was all a dream, the kind nightmares were afraid of, but as she woke fully she remembered and it came crashing down on her like waves at the base of a cliff; violent and suffocating. Gillian was lying close to Cal, which wasn't unusual in its self, but the fact that she had both of her arms tightly around him was different. Had they fallen asleep that way? She didn't remember.

"Hey," she spoke as she felt Cal stir.

"Mm," he answered. He sat up slightly, Gillian's hands trailed over his shoulder to his chest. He was warm and that temperature was so comforting. Lewis was asleep against Gillian's pillow. Which was probably why she was sleeping so close to him. "What time did the munchkin arrive?"

"I think it was five thirty."

"Delightful."

"That's what I thought," Gillian groaned her displeasure. Cal shifted again, further out of her embrace. "Wait," she clung on to him. "Stay with me a little while."

"I gotta pee," Cal told her.

Gillian let him go and watched him walk around the bed. He hadn't shaved again for a while, longer than he normally let it grow anyway, considering he shaved on a sporadic schedule. She lay down again and tried not to feel panicked or scared that he was pulling away from her. Perhaps he just needed space? Screw that, she didn't want to give him space, just like he refused to give her space several months ago...

When Cal came back Gillian opened her arms. "Come and cuddle with me."

Cal scuffed around the bed and climbed back under the covers. They settled into a full body hug. "Mmmm," Cal gave a slight groan. He pressed his face into the crook of her neck.

Gillian petted the hair at the back of his neck. "Do you miss her?"

"Course I miss her."

Gillian loved that she didn't have to explain who she was talking about.

"But," Cal added. "It's more like I miss getting up to her in the night and changin' her nappy and givin' her a bath. She was three months old. I didn't feel like I knew her well enough to miss her."

"I almost feel guilty for life going back to normal," Gillian whispered to mirror is low voice. Lewis was asleep in their bed after all.

"It has to. We have to get up every day for Lewis and work... At some point it was going to go back to normal. Doesn't mean we're not hurtin' on the inside."

"Right," Gillian agreed and realised she sounded very much like Cal. She had picked up his words and expressions but he hadn't picked up many of hers. She wondered if she had any. And she wondered if she really was as lost as she felt.

"Don't feel guilty about it," Cal suggested.

"I'm..." Gillian stopped. "It's just really hard to know what to do."

"I feel the same way completely. But you know what they say, if it feels right you should do it. If it feels right to move on, no matter how soon it is after her death, doesn't mean it's not right. Can't deny how you feel."

Gillian smoothed her hand down his temple and Cal tilted his head back slightly to see her face. "I'm supposed to be the shrink."

Cal gave her a slight smile. "You can be the lie guy if you wanna."

Gillian kissed his forehead. "Nope. I'll just steal my role back if you don't mind."

"I don't mind." Cal gave her a smile, a genuine smile, even if it was small. He watched her for a moment and it almost looked like it was in wonder. And then Lewis broke the moment by waking up with a grizzled cry. He climbed over his mother's back to fall into the gap between their bodies. "Good mornin' terra," Cal greeted him and then lay on a wave of tickle torture. Lewis squealed and laughed and kicked out. He caught Gillian in the stomach and she immediately rolled out of bed, out of the way. She stood for a moment and watched her husband grin and tickle her son who was screeching and squirming around. She felt a peace settle over her. Peace for the first time in a long time.

**PJ**

Cal went to work and Gillian took Lewis to day care. She still got a sympathetic expression from the staff there that made her a little uncomfortable. It wasn't like she wanted to forget about Lily but it wasn't like she needed to be reminded about her death every second of the day either. It was bad enough when it struck her from the inside. She reminded the day care that Lewis had a doctor's appointment in the early afternoon so she was going to pick him up before the usual time. And then she bailed before they could ask her how she was coping.

Gillian crossed the border into Virginia and pulled up in front of a hotel. In the lobby she wandered slowly over to a waiting area while she scanned the crowd. She heard the ping of the elevator doors opening and turned on instinct. Sure enough, Casey stepped into view. They grinned at each other and hugged while exchanging greetings.

"You look good," Casey told her.

"Same to you."

"Let's get a coffee!" Casey announced and dragged Gillian over to the restaurant/cafe. They sat tucked away against the wall, where they could watch people while they caught up. Casey expressed her condolences about Lily's death. She hadn't been able to make it to the funeral.

"How was your Thanksgiving?" Gillian asked, letting a beat pass before she could do so safely, without seeming like she was doing it on purpose, changing the subject.

"Good. We got together with some of Mark's work colleagues. How was yours?"

"It didn't really happen this year. Cal didn't feel like celebrating much. So we avoided all invites and stayed at home." Thanksgiving had been hard. Cal didn't entirely feel like there was anything to be grateful for. Lily's death was still on his mind and in his heart. He told Gillian that he didn't want to celebrate Thanksgiving. She told him there were still things to be grateful for. Lewis for one. She was grateful for Cal. She wasn't going to force a big celebration on him. They told the many invitees that they were having a quiet weekend together. They had dinner. They were thankful in their own way.

Casey nodded sympathetically. "How are you doing?" She asked with a loaded tone of voice.

"Fine," Gillian replied honestly. "We're doing fine." Were they? "We're coping anyway."

"Now what does that mean? That was a thinly coated 'need to talk to my best girlfriend about something'."

Gillian gave a wry smile. "Well your timing on this visit to the city couldn't have been more perfect."

"Go ahead. I'll charge you the discounted rate and put it on your tab."

"I'm worried about my marriage."

"Again?"

"I think it's more like 'still.'"

"I thought you guys were solid since last year..."

Gillian shook her head slightly. "We were solid on pretending that everything's been fine since last year."

"Oh honey," Casey reached over and gave her wrist a slight squeeze. "What happened?"

"It's me," Gillian sighed. "I screwed up and then I let Cal feel like it was his fault and even though I said I wanted to work through it I kind of didn't. I stopped opening up to him and now I can feel a distance between us that's never been so apparent before. We started to deal but we didn't quite get there. And now that Lily's gone... I'm actually scared it spells the end of everything."

"Go on," Casey encouraged stirring sugar into her coffee.

Gillian told her about the adoption. Cal's reluctance and then him warming to the idea, and even though he had eventually, they had still been distant. Even when he discovered the lump they didn't seem to be on the same emotional level. They were like two ships sailing in the night. They knew the other person was _right_ _there_ and yet they continued to miss each other. There were moments when they were great, but there were other moments when they felt miles apart.

"You know sometimes you don't always need to search for the reason why something has happened or why someone behaves the way they do. Sometimes it's just important to correct the behaviour and carry on your way," Casey noted.

"That's what I've been thinking more and more," Gillian admitted. She sighed. "I feel like I spend too much time analysing what went wrong and worrying about the past. I should just, make it right now."

"Good idea."

"Ok," Gillian gave a slight smile. Her shoulders felt lighter.

"Is that all you wanted? A second opinion?"

"Yeah, sometimes a sounding board is good."

Casey gave a slight smile in return. "You'll be all right Gillian. You and Cal, you're the invincible type. Doesn't mean you can't have problems like us mere mortals. But you know, you're still together and you still love each other. For most couples the death of their children drags them so far apart they can't see each other anymore. But you're both still there; no one's taken off to New York."

Here Gillian narrowed her eyes at her friend.

"So, just keep on pushing forward. You'll get there. I have faith."

For a second Gillian thought she had said 'fate' and she felt a jolt in her chest. Fate. Fate reminded her of Lily. And it triggered the idea of something else...

"You all right?" Casey brought her back. "You zoned out on me."

"Yeah I'm ok. Just thinking," Gillian gave her another smile. A waiter came to clear the coffee cups away.

"You have somewhere you have to be?"

Gillian checked her watch. "No. Not for another hour. Lewis has a doctor's appointment."

"Great. Because I have something I want to talk to you about..."

**PJ**

"Gillian it's good to see you again."

Gillian shook Doctor Rosario's hand and returned a greeting. The doctor bent to Lewis and greeted him too. He signed 'hello'. Gillian wished he would talk.

"How's everything going?" Rosario asked as she gestured they should sit. Gillian pulled Lewis into her lap. Rosario wouldn't know about Lily. She had happened in between appointments.

"Good. Lewis has been wearing his hearing aids all the time."

"That's good. And you've been monitoring the volume for him?"

Gillian nodded. "If we're somewhere too noisy I usually turn them down."

Rosario asked more questions about Lewis's reaction to the aids. She asked about his speech development. It was nice for Gillian to talk about something other than how she was feeling, which was code for being asked about Lily's death. It was good to focus on her son and in the back of her mind she knew she still had to work things out with Cal. Their effort so far was glacial, despite the early conversations to the contrary.

Rosario ran a few diagnostic tests on Lewis, checking the general health of his ears and hearing. Then the doctor took him and Gillian through to another room. She took another cast of his ear so new moulds could be made. This was only his second set because he was currently in a slow growth period. As he grew more rapidly they would be upgraded more frequently. Lewis kept relatively still while Rosario worked. Gillian supposed with everything that had happened in his life so far, he was used to being attended to.

After that it was home again. Gillian set Lewis up at the kitchen table with paper and crayons and a deskpad of newspaper to protect the wooden surface, while she folded washing at the other end. Lewis babbled away to himself and Gillian listened as he half formed words and sounds like he should have been doing over six months ago. It seemed like he had been on the verge of talking like the rest of the children his age for months now. His comprehension had picked up. He knew who he was and his mother and father, Emily, Kiera, people at work. He would follow instructions and make demands; hungry, thirsty, sleepy. But as for asking questions and stringing together sentences and even expanding on his vocabulary, Gillian wasn't sure he was making progress. She made a mental note to speak to Stephanie about it tomorrow when he had his next therapy appointment.

Gillian took the washing and put it away in their respective homes. Then she sat with Lewis and asked him what they should have for dinner. He looked thoughtful for a moment and then pointed at the fridge. "Yeah, good idea," Gillian responded, reaching for a crayon. "Food is always a good idea."

"I'm home!" Cal yelled from the other side of the house.

"Kitchen!" Gillian called back. Lewis looked over at her. "Dad's home," she told him.

"Oh Dad's home," Lewis repeated. He turned to watch the kitchen door.

"I have to pee so bad!" Cal yelled from, Gillian guessed, the guest bathroom.

Gillian smiled to herself. "He's in the toilet," Gillian told Lewis.

"Hands," Lewis demonstrated how he was supposed to wash them.

"Yes, he should wash his hands."

"Oh God!" Cal continued to call out. "Feels so gooood!"

Gillian laughed. "Your Dad is a very strange man." Lewis gave her a sudden smile. He reached for a crayon and offered it to her. "Thank you," Gillian told him and signed the words.

Cal came into the kitchen. "Hands," Lewis told him and mimicked washing them again.

"Yes I washed my hands," Cal told him. He gave Lewis a kiss in greeting.

Gillian got up to start dinner. "You're home early."

"Yeah found a lull to sneak away in. Hey," he caught her arm as she started to move around him. He pulled her in close against him. He gave her a slow kiss, the kind that made her cheeks flush in delight.

**PJ**

"Cal?"

"Yeah?" He looked up from his laptop where he was sitting at the dining room table. He had about half a page of words there and considering he'd been sitting there for over an hour Gillian figured they weren't coming out so easily.

"Can I talk to you about something?" She asked as she sat herself in the chair next to him, facing him.

"Of course."

"I'm sure this is going to sound a little out of the blue but I think it's an important conversation for us to have."

Cal gave a little frown but he gave her his attention.

"We haven't had sex in a really long time," she said it gently without traces of accusation or blame. She felt a little heat stir in her cheeks. "I'll be honest. I'm horny but mostly, I'm worried about it affecting our marriage. We both know sex is important for a good marriage and to stay connected as partners. We've always had our magic, as you call it..." She kind of hesitated and when he didn't interrupt or object or give some sort of signal that he didn't want to or was embarrassed by the conversation, she continued. "I know Lily's death is an added strain and I know you might not be in the right frame of mind and I'm not always either but... I just... I miss you sometimes."

Cal watched her for a moment. Then he gave a very slight smile. "Yeah," he agreed. He turned in his chair to face her, and mimicked the way she tucked her feet onto the rail at the bottom of the chair so her knees were drawn up and her elbows were resting on top of them. She was leaning towards him so he took her hands as he leaned in to her too. He gave a sigh. "It hasn't really been on my mind. But I hear what you're sayin'. We should have sex."

They sat for a moment watching each other carefully. Gillian gave a firm nod. "Good." She slipped out of his hands and stood. She put an arm around his head in a hug and kissed his crown. "We can work on that then."

"Definitely," Cal responded.

It didn't mean they were ready to jump into bed again straight away. That was why she had come to talk to him about it instead of trying her luck. The point was to plant the seed, to get them thinking about it again, so they could get to the same page.

"Maybe I'll try my luck sometime then."


	9. Chapter 9

It had been two months now since Lily's death. Their lives had fallen into a new routine. Lewis spent three full sessions in day care and two half days. Those two days were when he had speech therapy. Stephanie wasn't worried about his development; she knew Lewis would click soon and then he would talk their ears off like every other two and a half year old. When Gillian talked to Cal about it he agreed. Lewis would get there in his own time. He had always been a leaps and bounds kind of kid.

The Lightman Group was going well. Dr Roberts had learnt his job and took the pressure off Gillian's part time hours so she could work on the finances, investments, HR duties and spend time with Cal, which is what she wanted to do the most. Cal finally got back to Dr Gottman in Seattle. Dr Gottman wanted to send him an outline for a manuscript he was working on; he wanted Cal to collaborate with him. Cal happily accepted, taking another well deserved break from chasing down murders, drug dealers and the occasional terrorist for the government. And Gillian didn't even worry about the financial strain Lily's death had put on the Lightman Group. Cal needed space on occasion to put his head back together and they would deal with that until he was ready to be the superhuman lie detector again. Eli, Ria and Paul did enough to keep their heads firmly above the water anyway...

Gillian emailed Kiera intermittently. Neither of them had much to say other than specific events in their lives. But Gillian had promised to keep in touch and she also _wanted_ to; so she made the effort. Kiera was busy with school and Gillian with work so they talked about Lewis and Cal mostly. Gillian still wasn't entirely sure Cal had dealt with Lily's death completely. They had gotten to the stage where they didn't talk about her anymore. There was nothing else to say. But Cal still carried around a sadness that Gillian could see in the edges of his eyes and the sometimes defeated droop of his shoulders.

The one thing they hadn't dealt with yet was Lily's room. The door had been closed since the police had been there, the morning Gillian had walked in to find her cold in her bed. That image kept her away. She just knew as soon as she went in there she would flashback to that moment and the thought of it made her feel acute dread. And because they weren't talking about Lily anymore, Cal didn't bring up her bedroom or push the issue. But it had been months now. Two months since she had died. Gillian just didn't want to be the first to break that bubble.

"I'm home!" Cal called from down the hall. Gillian could hear him talking to Lewis. She fluffed up the rice to see if it had absorbed all the water yet. "Hello my darlin'," Cal's arms encircled her waist.

"Hi," Gillian greeted. She put the lid back on the rice pot and turned the heat off.

"What is for dinna?"

"Thai green curry. Extremely mild for Lewis. Regular for me. And burn your mouth off for you," she gave him a smile over her shoulder.

Cal grinned. "Perfect. Then you can kiss my tongue betta aftawards." He placed a kiss against her neck and clung on to her. "Mmm you smell good. I thought it was dinna but nope, it's you." He nipped her neck and Gillian flinched with the desire that shot through her. He hadn't been kidding when he said he was going to try his luck. He was all over her again. Their sex life had been the first thing to firmly go back to normal. Just as well Gillian couldn't get enough of him either.

"Hey so," Gillian started to talk and was silenced again as Cal's tongue traced her ear. Her body started a slow throb. A moan escaped her before she could stop it.

"Yes?" Cal asked politely.

"Tomorrow."

"Yes? Saturday. A very good day."

"Yes it is," Gillian sighed. They usually had sex on Saturday morning _and_ Saturday night. "But it's also two weeks until Christmas and I thought we should put up decorations. Maybe get a tree?"

"Mmm Christmas time," Cal murmured, kissing her neck again. His arms were still wrapped around her torso tightly and his body warmth coupled with the fire he was starting to build inside her, made Gillian feel hot. "Sounds like fun."

"And then Christmas shopping."

"Not fun," Cal pulled away from her. He started to set the table.

"But a necessity."

"What are you gonna get me?"

She gave him a slight smirk. "What do you want?" And she knew his mind immediately wandered to something naughty. He gave her a sly grin from across the room where he was putting down table mats.

"How about the traditional undawear?"

"For you or me?" Gillian asked innocently.

**PJ**

"Santa bring presents," Lewis carried on conversationally.

"Typical you know all about Santa and yet when I ask you what you did during the day you give me that blank expression."

"Cal!" Gillian gave his shoulder a light smack. "He can hear you being snide even if he doesn't understand what you're saying."

Cal lifted Lewis under his arms. "You're gettin' heavy." He hovered him close to the top of the tree where Gillian was wrapping the last of the fairy lights.

"Here," Gillian helped Lewis attach the ornament, a golden star, by manipulating the pine needles. Lewis liked the shiny golden ornaments the best. He played with them on the floor before Gillian could convince him to actually hang them on the tree branches. Which was when they discovered he had broken three; two of them just needed new thread to hang by, the other had come apart at its joins.

The ornament attached, Cal put Lewis back on the ground. "Pitty!" Lewis announced. "Ooooh look!"

"Very pretty," Cal told him. "Good job." Lewis gave him a thumbs up. "What else is in the box?" He peered into it and Lewis did the same, though he had to reach on tip toes to see in.

"That one," Lewis pointed.

Cal reached for the tinsel. "This one?"

Lewis nodded, "It shiny."

"It sure is," Cal pulled the length of silver tinsel out. He draped it around Lewis's neck while the toddler tried to remove it again. "But scratchy."

Gillian reached down to plug the lights in and turned them on. She stood back with a pleased smile. Cal watched her for a moment. Lewis finally pulled himself free of the tinsel and heaved it as far as he could. "Lookin' good," Cal told Gillian.

"It needs a few more over here," she waved a hand to show the section she was talking about.

"I meant you," Cal shot back with a cheesy grin.

Gillian turned to give Cal an expression she hadn't quite decided on yet: disparaging or smirky; and found Lewis grabbing at his crotch. "Lewis! Toilet! Quick!" What she signed was 'bathroom', a 'T' hand shaken slightly from side to side. And 'fast', her thumbs slightly between her middle and index finger, then snapped up out of the confine.

Lewis gave a squeal and rushed from the room. Cal went after him for some follow up supervision considering he was still hit and miss at the moment. Gillian picked up the tinsel and hung it along the fireplace. Then she went back to the box and found the last of the ornaments. Her ornaments were the standard gold, red and silver, while Cal's were an eclectic mish-mash of six-year-old-Emily-made paper stars and toilet roll Santa's, sewn padded Christmas trees, plastic angels and bells.

Gillian went to the garage to get the wooden barrier they had used to confine Lewis to various parts of the house. It was on the far side beside Cal's car. In the garage she could hear water running through the pipes. She smiled to herself. Lewis was getting so interesting. If only he would just talk a little more. But then she would probably always think that... Gillian reached the opposite side of the garage and retrieved the barrier that would now keep Lewis hopefully out of the presents starting to pile up under the tree. He could climb over it easily but he might think twice about wandering over there if there was actually something in his way. As she straightened up again Gillian came eye to eye with a box labelled 'baby clothes'. Her heart spasmed and it felt a bit like she had been kicked in the gut.

Back in the living room Cal was lifting Lewis to place the last of the ornaments on the tree. If he didn't, Lewis would have decorated the bottom foot of branches only. When Cal saw Gillian come in he came over to relieve her of the wooden barrier. But as he took it he was suddenly watching her carefully. "Hey, are you all right? What happened?"

"I was in the garage and I saw the boxes labelled 'baby clothes', and I..." She didn't know how to explain. "It just struck me..."

Cal had his arm around her immediately, the scratch of his goatee beard was rough against her cheek. "I know. Sometimes it sneaks up on me too."

"We need to sort out Lily's room."

"Yeah," Cal agreed with a breath.

**PJ**

"Cal?"

"Yes luv?"

"Give me a hand up?"

Cal turned and approached with a smirk.

"And drop the teasing," Gillian reprimanded lightly. Cal give her his hand and she used it to lever herself backwards to the examination table. He made sure she was steady and then let her go again. He went back to studying a chart showing the stages of pregnancy month by month. "Reminding yourself?" Gillian asked from the bed.

"I just neva truly appreciate how there's anotha body all crammed up in there until I see pictures like these," Cal waved a hand at the wall as he turned again to face her. He approached, hands in his pockets, watching her impassively.

"You're nervous," Gillian surmised.

"Nah," Cal shook his head.

"Liar, liar," Gillian sing-songed and reached out a hand for him. "What's on your mind?"

Cal sighed and gave a shrug as he took her hand gently. "Impendin' fatha hood stuff I guess."

Gillian's face showed interest and she shifted slightly where she lay so she could rest her head against the upright section of the bed instead of it hovering in the air to be supported by her neck.

"Just sometimes hard to believe that there's a baby in there and it'll be here soon and then _we'll_ be parents."

Gillian watched his face carefully. "Yeah when you put it that way..." she trailed off sounding worried and the door opened in the next second and the technician entered.

"Good morning," she greeted pleasantly. "Gillian?"

"Hi," Gillian greeted with a smile.

"I'm Annika," the woman smiled. She turned to Cal. "Hi."

"Cal," he reached out to shake her hand. "Husband."

"Nice to meet you Cal." She had a file with her and she placed it on the end of the bed. "So shall we get started then?"

She set up equipment, chatting easily about the weather and their days and if they had thought of names yet. "Of course you'd probably want to know if it's a boy or a girl first. Or does that not matter?" She looked over at them both and then focussed on what she was doing. "This is going to be cold." She squeezed gel onto Gillian's stomach, who dutifully flinched.

"We already know," Cal supplied.

"Oh that's great!" She enthused. "That way you can paint the nursery and let everyone know what colour clothes they should get right?"

"Yeah," Cal agreed easily even though that was absolutely not their intention in knowing. He wasn't sure why they had found out, it hadn't been an accident, they had actually asked. But they hadn't told anyone else about it and didn't plan to. This was just for them. Actually, Cal decided, knowing the sex of the baby had helped him connect. He didn't know about Gillian but knowing he was having a son... it had made it easier to connect with the little guy in his mother's womb. He wouldn't have objected to another girl, of course he wouldn't, but it was every guy's dream to have a son and Gillian was giving him one and in some ways, knowing had brought them closer together. They had talked about names and it was the one thing they didn't tend to bicker over. Cal was working on not bickering over the other things either. Seeing those pictures on the wall with the baby all folded up inside a woman only reinforced the notion that Gillian was going through something huge and was uncomfortable and hormonal and the very least Cal could do is shut his trap every so often and try to make her experience just that little bit more comfortable. He could ease her tension in a million little ways that would make her life easier. He should tell her that too. It would earn him big points.

Annika used the wand to spread the gel and figure out the position of the baby. The third trimester scan was merely to check on the baby's condition. To make sure it wasn't in any stress and at the same time, the technician checked Gillian's pelvis to make sure the baby would have a smooth exit when the day came. At thirty-one weeks Gillian was now technically eight and a half months and in the third trimester. She was starting to get nervous about the birth. Cal was getting excited. It would be over sooner than either of them realised and then the little guy would be here and it would be amazing! He couldn't wait for Gillian to hold him in her arms for the first time. There was nothing like it. No way to describe how it felt to hold your newborn and meet them officially in person.

On the screen the baby pushed out against his confines with arms and feet. His face was turned away so they couldn't see his features (or the nose Cal suspected was Gillian's despite her protests). But seeing him in there, in real time, had Cal's heart beating in a unique way. He took Gillian's hand and she gave his fingers a squeeze and Cal squeezed on back. He was having one of those moments. Those moments in which he felt everything was all right with the world and he was amazed to have a woman like Gillian by his side. And better yet, she was giving him a son. Life was good. He leaned down and gave her a sweet kiss. "Love you," he whispered.

**PJ**

"Sometimes I feel like I have absolutely no right to grieve for her."

Gillian sat closer to him, hesitant, not sure if he wanted her to comfort him. She waited for him to reach out for her but he didn't and so she sat and listened.

"Everythin' got so screwed up. We didn't get to have a big build up and watch your belly grow like with Lewis. I think I needed that. I feel terrible."

Gillian smoothed her hand along Cal's back. She wanted to say something like 'it's ok' or 'you have every right to feel the way you do' or more importantly 'I'm sorry' but like most men, Cal liked to grieve in private. The fact that he had even let her stay in the room was monumental. She could tell he was trying very hard to make things right between them again. But while she was allowed to sit with him, she had so far sensed that saying nothing, while tears burned his eyes, was the right thing to do. What was she going to say anyway?

"I expected to have time to make it up to her you know? And that's been taken away from us and now I just feel guilty that I wasn't invested enough."

Gillian thought she shouldn't have been so selfish in asking Cal to adopt in the first place. The end result didn't justify the journey. She wondered if it ever would have. She wondered if she and Cal would have remained so divided. If it came down to a choice between the baby and her marriage she would choose her marriage. Looking back in hindsight... But that didn't mean she wanted for Lily to have died. She understood now why Cal talked about having a crystal ball. If she had one, and had looked ahead to how she felt now in this moment, how Cal felt in this moment, she wouldn't have gone through with it. Gillian realised this was the turning point for her. Lily was a last ditch effort attempt at making something work that just wasn't meant to be. She understood now. She had learnt her lesson in the harshest way possible. She hated that that sweet innocent little girl had died to make it happen. She hated that she had put Cal, best friend and love of her life, through so much agony for ultimately no result. Lily was gone. Gillian still walked away empty handed. And Cal was in agony over a grief he was still working through... even though it had been several months now.

Gillian would have been the first to say that people grieved at different rates. That sometimes it wasn't always easy to deal with grief in a lifestyle that was demanding. That as the different layers healed the body would push more and more to the surface until it was all out of his system. But that didn't make her feel any better about seeing her husband upset, sitting in the middle of their daughter-who-had-hardly-even-been-their-daughter's bedroom.

Cal wiped his eyes roughly. "Sorry."

"Don't ever be sorry for how you feel Cal."

He didn't respond. Just wiped his eyes again. "Do you think about her?"

"Yes, sometimes."

"I realised the otha day that I had gone the entire day without thinkin' about her once. And I felt so guilty."

For Gillian, she would go hours, but she would also be reminded every time she walked past this room, or something of Lily's showed up in the wash or Lewis talked about her or someone else mentioned it. But she understood what he meant. "Eventually we _will_ stop thinking about her," she told Cal. "Days, weeks, months, years will go by and we won't think about her. But that doesn't ever mean she will be forgotten completely."

He watched her with baleful eyes she suddenly realised were Lewis's. "I'm glad, not that I'm _glad_," he stressed. "That this happened with you, of all people..."

"I know what you mean," Gillian told him reassuringly, picking up on the hesitation in his tone. She wondered who was there for him when he had been grieving for his mother. "And me too."

He nodded and fidgeted with his wedding band. "Do you eva think about how much of our lives is pre-ordained?" He looked up to give her a careful expression.

"Uh, what do you mean?" Gillian asked.

"You know. Like fate."

Gillian did a mental 'aahhh'. "God?"

"I don't really believe in god but I've neva thought that there might be somethin' else out there eitha."

"Aliens?" Gillian asked dubiously.

"No," Cal answered seriously before he realised that Gillian was teasing him. "Like 'the spinners' or the 'fates'."

"Children's fairy tales and Greek myth?"

Cal gave her an unimpressed expression. "I mean, what if you and I were always meant to be? That Zoe and Alec were just distractions, or maybe mistakes."

"Yeah Alec was a mistake," Gillian agreed easily. Because the more time she spent with Cal the more she realised she had settled for Alec. Cal was what love was really about. And then she started to understand what Cal was saying.

"You don't eva think about 'what if'. What if you hadn't divorced Alec? Or what if you had been able to have children with him."

"That's a scary thought."

Cal got to his feet and then offered his hand to Gillian to pull her to hers too. "Lewis has been quite for a while. Do you think he's up to no good?"

"Probably."

"You want me to go or... start on this?" He looked around the room. They'd got no further than opening the door and walking in. The room was exactly as it had been left over two months ago. It had a musty smell to it and that kind of 'dead' feeling, like nothing and no one had been in there for a long time. Gillian felt acute dread as they stepped over the threshold. A moment later Cal had sat heavily on the floor.

"You go," Gillian made her decision. "I'll start." She began by pulling back the curtains and opening the window for some fresh air, despite the fact that the air outside was icy cold and reminding her it was winter. They were scheduled for snow. Then she stripped off the fitted sheet over the mattress in the crib.

"Oh Lewis!" She heard Cal call from the next room, the bathroom. He gave a loud groan and Lewis answered with chatter. She could hear Cal's low voice continue to rumble as he either told Lewis off or sorted out the mess Lewis had made. Gillian picked up Cal's teddy bear from the corner of the crib. She took it into their bedroom and placed the soft toy on Cal's dresser, so it was sitting up against the wall. Then she went to the bathroom to see what was going on. There was toilet paper mounded on the floor and Cal had his hand inside a plastic bag and was digging around in the toilet bowl.

"Mum look this!" Lewis showed her a toy from the bath.

"Yeah it's cool," Gillian told him absently.

Cal looked over his shoulder at her. "Your son."

Gillian gave a slight smile. "Your son. I never would have done anything like that when I was a kid."

"Really? All innocence were you?"

"Absolutely."

"And what makes you think that I would have done somethin' like this when I was a child?"

Gillian gave him an unimpressed expression and took the toy from Lewis when he approached to offer it to her. Lewis went over to see what his father was doing. "Lewis, stay over here with me," Gillian called. She perched on the edge of the bath.

"You're right," Cal answered himself. "Pretty sure did this to my Mum a million times." Cal turned to Lewis. "Move away from here buddy. Go and see Mum."

Lewis hovered a moment longer and then moved away, kicking his way through the mound of toilet paper.

"All I can say is there better not be a little nuggety surprise at the bottom of all of this," Cal complained. Gillian wanted to laugh, but she wasn't in the mood quite frankly.

"How would you feel about moving?"

Cal's head whipped around quickly to watch her again. "Was that serious?"

"I don't know if I will ever be able to get used to that room being anything but Lily's."

Cal watched her for a moment. "I was thinkin' it would become the guest room but I can't imagine askin' someone else to be comfortable sleepin' in there. And the office is too small to put a bed in."

"Yeah," Gillian agreed. Lewis snatched the toy out of her grip again. "Hey. Please?" She prompted him.

"Pease, fank oooo!" Lewis sing songed.

Cal suddenly straightened up again. In his plastic covered hand was a soaking wad of white toilet paper. "Got it," he announced and turned the plastic bag inside out again so the paper was now in the bottom of it. He put it on the floor carefully and flushed the toilet. He watched and when he didn't start freaking out Gillian figured the blockage had been dealt with. She moved forward to help him scoop up the paper Lewis had strewn across the floor.

"How about we think about movin' in the New Year?"

"Yeah," Gillian agreed and felt saddened that this would be their last Christmas in this house.

After cleaning the bathroom up and making sure the door was firmly shut this time, they re-focussed on Lily's room. Gillian closed the window again against the frigid air. Lewis helped Cal carry boxes in from the garage and clothing went into two piles: the outfits Gillian wanted to hang on to for Emily's kids and the ones that would go to charity. The charity pile grew as the afternoon wore on. Nappies, wipes, bottles, formula, toys, clothes, blankets went into the pile to be given away.

"You know where I'd rather this stuff went?" Gillian spoke up as they worked on taking the crib apart.

"Where's that?" Cal asked. "Here Lewis, this one," he indicated the next screw to come out. He was loosening them all the way so Lewis could pretend to use his plastic screw driver on it and then pull it out. He took the screw to his mother.

"The day care. They could use some of it or otherwise give them to someone else."

"Good idea," Cal agreed.

"It actually feels good to be doing something constructive."

"What does that mean?"

"You know, being proactive as opposed to just ignoring..."

"Yeah," Cal agreed. "Here Lewis," he indicated the next one.

"Oooh!" Lewis approached. "Haf to nuse muscles."

"Yeah, use your strong muscles," Cal told him. Cal stood and waited for Lewis to remove the last screw holding the side railing on. He moved it to lean against the dresser. "Should really get rid of the otha furniture too."

"I thought about keeping the dresser."

Cal crossed to the crib again and turned it so the end of the bed was facing where he was working.

"They were Lewis's first."

"Sentimentality?"

"Yeah," Gillian confirmed. "Lewis, bring me the screw please." She signed 'come' using both index fingers to gesture towards herself, and 'please', rubbing her palm on her chest in a circular motion.

Lewis approached with it in his fingers. "Good boy," Gillian told him. "Thank you."

"Ooo welcome."

"You're welcome," Cal corrected him.

Once the bed had been taken apart again they moved everything back into the garage. The pile to be given away was going to have to wait until Monday when Gillian could get more boxes to pack it away properly. Then they spring cleaned the room; Lewis vacuumed a spot of carpet over and over and then stuck the tube to the back of Cal's shirt. When Cal exaggerated his protest Lewis giggled with delight and tried it again. Gillian left the boys to tickled each other to death while she started dinner.

"Why don't we orda in?" Cal asked peering at her over the top of the fridge door. "It's Sunday. Can't be bothaed cookin'."

"Tempting," Gillian mused.

"Can I tempt you into Chinese?"


	10. Chapter 10

"So you have to go to sleep like a good boy and then Santa will come when you wake up," Cal told Lewis as they had final cuddles in Cal's comfy chair. The tree was in the corner behind his left shoulder. With the fairy lights on and the lamps the room had a warm cosy feeling to it and Gillian was looking forward to getting cuddles from Cal too, in a minute, when Lewis finally went to bed.

"Santa," Lewis's eyes lit up.

"Buy you have to go to sleep. Because Santa won't come if you're awake," Cal reiterated seriously. Gillian pretended to read on the couch. She wasn't paying attention to the words. She was listening to Cal. He had read 'the Night Before Christmas' and 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' as well as the traditional 'Little Yellow Digger' and Lewis's new favourite book about a unicorn. "All right buddy. Give Mum a kiss." Gillian could see Cal's hands move out of the corner of her eye. His movements were so much more fluid now, he seemed to have found his confidence. She wasn't entirely sure when exactly because she had been too busy worrying about herself... but he signed beautifully and she was so proud of him and how he was with Lewis all of the time...

Lewis approached and Gillian pulled him up on top of her body where she lay on her back on the couch. She gave him a tight hug and kisses and told him to have sweet dreams. Lewis babbled about something that sounded a lot like 'and then Santa will be here'. What Gillian heard was 'Santa' and 'here'. "Goodnight Lewis," Gillian told him. "I love you."

"Love ooooo," Lewis returned and slid down over the side of her body and the couch until his feet were on the ground again.

Gillian listened to the low rumble of Cal's voice in the other room. A minute later he dropped onto the other end of the couch. Gillian sat up and shifted so she was sitting in his lap, her arms around his neck. She gave his cheek a kiss. The goatee had taken some getting used to but Cal had grown it in to cover the scars from surgery. He didn't like looking at them every day. In return, he shaved his cheeks clean.

"And what would you like for Christmas young lady?"

"Mm more of the young."

"Are you tryin' to subtly tell me you want a boy toy for Christmas?"

Gillian shook her head at him. "Are you trying to imply I'm rejecting my Christmas present from six years ago?"

Cal gave a little wince as he thought back to what she was talking about.

"Christmas party. Many moons ago."

"Oh yeah," Cal feigned remembering. "To be fair. It started long before then."

Gillian watched him for a moment. She knew he hadn't always been entirely plutonic with his feelings towards her when he had been married... but was he really going to admit that to her right now?

"My office. Several months before Christmas?"

"Of course," Gillian felt relieved. She turned her head to see Lewis was approaching where they were sitting. "I'll get this one. You get the next."

"Still want to stick by four times? I mean," Cal made an exaggerated show of checking his watch as Gillian got up. "It's only eight oh seven."

"Yes four," Gillian answered as she took Lewis's hand. "I'm being hopeful he'll be asleep before nine thirty." She walked Lewis slowly back to his room. She tucked him back under his covers and gave him another kiss. "It's bed time," she told him firmly, the only time she would acknowledge him and left his room again. Cal bet Lewis would come out eight times this evening, with the excitement of Christmas Eve. Gillian had guessed four. Cal thought she was guessing too low.

Cal was reading Gillian's book when she returned. "Interesting?" she asked him.

He closed it abruptly. "Just wonderin' what it's about."

"Uh huh," Gillian told him in clear disbelief. She took her seat within his arms again. They sat in silence for a moment. "How are you doing?"

"I'm all right. You?"

"Thinking about how Christmas could have been this year."

"There is a bit of that," Cal agreed. The white lights of the tree were beautiful in a magical way. "Gill?"

"Yeah," she smoothed her hand along his shoulder.

"I know you're tryin' right now."

Her hand stilled.

"I mean, I know you're workin' extra hard on us bein' all right."

Gillian sensed a 'but'.

"No, no butt's," Cal told her. "I just wanted to acknowledge that you're workin' on it and you're doin' a great job."

"Thanks," she whispered in response. Loving that Cal noticed, that he said something, and that the way he talked sent warmth around her heart in a comforting embrace.

"That's all I want for Christmas. Is for us to be on the right track again. I feel like we're gettin' there." Gillian's heart melted a little only to be propped up by Cal's embrace again. "Just want to say I love you."

Gillian hugged her husband tighter. "I love you too."

**PJ**

They had had a lot of wine; Gillian couldn't remember how much she'd had to drink. It had been so long since they'd had this kind of easy fun and she wasn't even letting it register in her befuddled mind that it had taken all that alcohol to get to that point. He was teasing her about the waiter's underwear. Like she was even looking. It was difficult to keep her gaze on anything but Cal right now. Had his eyes always been that shade of blue? Kind of grey, sort of green. And his smile made the skin around his eyes crinkle. That little smirk, so beautiful; so sexy. God she missed him so much. Her heart sobbed. She couldn't play anymore. It was too painful. She asked him about the woman at the bar, who's eyes she could feel watching him over her shoulder most of the night. Cal's returning smirk to her question made her heart sink further as he admitted that he had been watching them too. While he was having dinner with _her_.

Gillian gave him a bittersweet satisfied, but suddenly sad smile and reached for her purse, preparing to get up from the table. No, she really couldn't do this. Sit here and pretend that they were fine and that getting drunk together was ok and flirting like they were on their first date again. It wasn't ok. She wasn't ok. Maybe he was ok but she wasn't. It hurt on a good day being around him while knowing exactly what she had had and exactly what she had lost and exactly what she had done to push him away. To sit here on a night like this... it was just agony. Especially because all that wine just made her want him more.

"Hey wait!" Cal reached out for her arm to try and stop her. He told her it was a joke. She shrugged out of his grip and fought back a sudden flaring feeling that she might burst into tears. She said something snide and self depreciating about her ruining his evening and that he might have a shot with the woman at the bar. She turned then and started to walk away. She was aware of Cal getting to his feet behind her but she kept going, hoping to out run him. She would be safe in her room. Then she could wallow in her sorrow for a while before going to sleep and forgetting all about it for a while.

Cal caught up to her as she reached the threshold of the hotel. "Goodnight Cal," she told him, turning just enough to say it over her shoulder.

"Wait," Cal reached for her good wrist and held on to it tightly this time, preventing her from moving any further. She came to an awkward halt. "Don't go," he begged and it made her heart leap with the joy of his full desperate attention. Her heart was such a traitor tonight! "It's just a game," he implored. "You know it's just a game." He gave her a sincere expression and she fought so hard not to react. "Let me take you home."

"You're drunk," she quickly pointed out.

"So are you," Cal accused, his words slurring together slightly.

Gillian watched him for a moment. And he watched her right on back, unashamedly letting his eyes roam her face. He licked his lips and parted them slightly and Gillian felt her breath sub-consciously rise to meet his. He was still holding on to her wrist and where their skin met a fire began to build. He tugged on it suddenly so she had to step toward him and then he turned and hurried her across the lobby. He didn't stop his rapid pace until they reached the elevators. He pushed the button roughly and the doors pinged open instantly on an empty car. It was then Gillian thought to protest. But she didn't form words. Or, she didn't get a chance to. Cal silenced her barely formed words with a rough kiss before the doors had even fully closed again.

That was all it took. She pushed him back against the wall, kissing him without restraint. All she was thinking about right now was how his lips felt against hers, how her fingers felt through his hair, how his body felt pressed up against hers, how heavy and familiar his hands felt on her waist. She moved back slightly to smooth her fingers down the front of his shirt to his pants. His hips shifted towards her and his hands moved to grab her ass, pressing her close against him again so he could grind their hips together. It sent a current of sheer desire through her. He gave a groan as their tongues tasted each other. The feeling of vertigo was heightened by the elevator coming to an abrupt halt. Gillian didn't even get the chance to marvel that Cal had somehow managed to press the button for the floor of his room.

They stumbled their way down the hallway to his door. Gillian didn't even care that someone could see them. As far as she was concerned, her world existed in Cal at this moment, and nothing else. Nothing was going to stop them from doing this right now. Nothing. Even the little voice of reason in the back of her head was rooting for this. She was aware of the door clicking shut behind them and then it was really on. Cal already hand his hands on her thighs, pushing her dress up to her waist and then higher still so he could tug it roughly over her head. Gillian gasped for air as the material passed over her face; the exhilaration of standing in her underwear in front of him. The hungry expression on his face once she could see him again made blood pound south. He undid the buttons on his shirt so he could pull it over his head too while she undid his trousers and pulled them and his underwear down. He kicked off his shoes as they moved to the bed and she worked out of hers and unclasped her bra, racing each other to get undressed the fastest. Cal pushed her underwear down her thighs, his hands not ashamed to feel over her flesh. She shivered. He pushed fingers between her legs without any preamble and before she thought about it she had slapped him across the cheek. It didn't seem to bother him in the least because he then shoved her back against the mattress and was over her a split second later, kissing and caressing and already driving into her.

Gillian gave a moan and dug her nails into his arms and then dragged them down to leave painful welts. His face twitched in exquisite pain and she almost felt glad. Because that was what it was like for her. Being in love with him was exquisite, but it was too painful when she couldn't be with him anymore. And she wasn't even sure who she could blame for that either. She pushed against his chest, hard, until he turned over. She caught a glimpse of surprise on his face as she climbed over his lap. She kissed him wetly as she ground down on to him. She didn't give him space to gasp. She felt his body arch against her, his chest sucking for air as she kissed him. His hands gripped her hips, hard and he squeezed harder still as both of their bodies started to coil.

He gave a guttural cry and sat up throwing her off balance. His arms caught her and repositioned so she was on the mattress again. This time closer to the head of the bed and the actual pillows, like what they were doing was civilised when it was anything but. This was sex. It was drunk, rough, but so very exciting sex. With Cal. The love of her life. As they moved and shifted, repositioning and essentially fighting for dominance, Gillian gained the upper hand for a moment, only at the expense of slamming Cal's head into the wall. He stopped, stunned for a moment, and looked down at her, wonderment in his eyes. She made no apologies and it only made him pause for a moment before he was back to kissing her so desperately that she felt like she might cry.

She gave in to him; let him do what he wanted to her. He bit her ear lobe, her neck, her breasts as if he were trying to leave a permanent mark. For Gillian, it was overwhelming all of her senses all at once and she could barely breathe over the electric suffocation of his body. He slammed into her along that perfect line of pain and pleasure until she couldn't even taste the air in her own throat, just him, all around her and so far within her he was imprinted on her soul. She wrapped herself around him, clinging on tighter, wanting more, so much more. She wanted this every night before they fell asleep in each other's arms. She wanted those arms to cuddle up to on the couch. She wanted to giggle while he poked fun at the movies she loved so that she would see them in the same ridiculous light he did. She wanted to kiss away the frown lines on his face. She wanted to be able to go out for dinner and joke about some woman checking him out and not feel insecure and jealous because he was hers and have no doubts about that being true.

She wanted him.

She took his mouth with hers and kissed him so hard it hurt. He broke away to breathe, to fuel his hips. His hands gripped around the back of her ribcage, his fingers digging into the flesh until they reached bone. Gillian could do no more than breathe and try and keep up with him as they weaved their magic in an all too familiar dance. Gillian's heart thundered as her body throbbed and Cal spun her higher. Little moans started escaping her even as she proverbially bit her tongue to stop uttering his name. After that she couldn't form words anyway as she started to quiver in a vibration that matched his heart beat. She wrapped her legs and arms around him as sparks flew and she crashed into the quivering mess of skill of Cal Lightman.

With a low guttural groan Cal froze next and his body shook as Gillian held him. Her hand automatically petted the hair at the back of his head, comforting him while he was in the heights of delight. And when he came down again and could breathe he shifted away from her only to cuddle up behind her again, his arm possessively over her waist. He didn't go to sleep straight away. Gillian could feel his breath on the back of her shoulder as he held her. But after a while she noticed his arm loosen a little and his breathing steady out. She waited a little longer and then slipped out from his embrace. She didn't look back as she dressed in the dark room, the light of the city coming through the open curtains was enough for her to see what she was doing.

Gillian reached for the door and hesitated. She could hear Cal breathing loudly from across the room and somehow it just felt wrong to sneak out of there. She turned back and crossed to the bed and looked down on his sleeping form. She could see half of his face, peaceful in slumber and it broke her heart. Tears prickled to her eyes and she stepped back hurriedly, trying to blink them away in fear of being discovered. She slipped out of his room quietly and padded down the hallway to hers. She turned on lights as she moved and stripped off her clothing to immediately take a long hot shower. There was no way she could stand going to sleep that night with Cal on her skin. And with that thought she did burst into tears, the salt mixing with the caressing freshness from the tap. What had she done? Or more correctly, what had she allowed to happen? She couldn't stay away from him! And she knew he couldn't stay away from her. She knew that. And so what? She had lead him on? She was supposed to be the responsible one, the voice of reason. She must have left that voice downstairs at the dinner table.

Gillian crawled into her bed with its fresh clean smelling sheets and could not sleep. She couldn't stop thinking about him. How he smelt, felt, touched, tasted. The love he poured into his kisses; the wonderment seeped into his gaze. She must have tossed and turned for a little while because she was woken by the sound of her alarm. She dressed again and went down to get her bag. Back in her room she had another shower, noted the marks he had left on her body, the bruises on her hips, the back of her ribs, the bite marks on the sensitive skin of her breasts. She covered those with clothes. The lack of sleep she covered with make-up.

Downstairs she had a coffee and a few mouthfuls of melon she didn't really want. She didn't see Cal. She thought about calling up to his room to see if he was awake. It was hard to tell if the churn of her stomach was the thought of him and last night, or all that wine and last night. Either way she made up her mind while she finished her coffee. She knew how she was going to play today and each day from now on. As hard as it would be, she would climb back up on the wagon and go back to pretending that she was ok and that she was getting over him. Or maybe she should actually _start_ on trying to get over him.

She milled around outside the conference half listening to a conversation while keeping her eyes on the door. She waited and waited and right at the last minute, when she was just about ready to give up hope and assumed that Cal had bailed on her, he showed up, wearing the clothes he had on last night and looking just that little bit worse for wear. His gaze roamed the crowd outside but didn't settle on her and she might admit she ducked just a little bit behind someone so he wouldn't. He went inside and she followed him until he was out of sight. Then she excused herself from the group and followed behind him. She found him half way down the room in the aisle. She watched the back of his head for a moment, remembering what her fingers felt like through his hair. Then she got a grip of herself and approached.

"Scoot," she spoke in his ear, realising his hair was still wet and he smelt so strongly like him that when he turned is head to look at her she found something interesting in the pattern of the carpet. He obliged and she settled next to him. She could feel his eyes on her, watching her face, studying her. She refused to look at him. She sat with a determined back. This wasn't too difficult so far. She could do this. They could do this. It could go back. The damage wasn't done irrevocably was it? Was it?


	11. Chapter 11

"Mum! Wake up!" Lewis came running in to their room, the door banging back against the wall. If their son yelling hadn't woken her, the bag of the door against the wall sure would have. Gillian turned over as Cal gave an audible complaint.

"Oh god!" Cal groaned from his side of the bed.

"Mum!" Lewis reached the bed and pulled himself on to the mattress by the blanket. "Santa! Santa!"

It was cute the way Lewis got flustered with words when he was excited. He climbed roughly over her body and Gillian was done with thinking she might be able to pretend she was still asleep. Lewis found a space on the mattress and jumped up and down on it.

"Ugh," Cal groaned again and sat up to capture Lewis into the tickle monster's arms. Gillian caught several blows of Lewis's heels while he squirmed about and laughed so hard he reached the point where Gillian wasn't sure he could breathe anymore. She sat up and moved out of her son's way before he left bruises. She glared at the clock on her way to picking up her bed clothes and putting her shirt back on. It was early. So very early. She pulled clean underwear from a drawer and wrapped her bathrobe around her body. Lewis had come out six times last night and seeing as neither Gillian nor Cal would concede on who won the bet they had fallen into bed and made love to each other. Not entirely a smart move when their two and a half year old was bound to get up at the crack of the crack of dawn the following morning.

It was chilly. Cal let Lewis escape with a light punishment and gave another growl as Gillian pulled back curtains to reveal a white laden landscape and Lewis regained his breath lying flat in the middle of their bed. "A white Christmas," Cal noted and sang a few lines from the song in the deep husky voice of his.

"Presents!" Lewis announced like they had forgotten and it was lucky he had. "Present time!"

"First!" Cal told him before he could wriggle his way off the bed. Lewis turned to his father. "Hearin' aids," Cal told him and made the sign, his finger crooked over his ear to mimic the device.

Lewis gave him an expression his parent's both knew so well. That was his calculating expression. That was the expression that said he was thinking about defying them but was also weighing up his options. "Lewis," Cal warned him.

"Let's go," Gillian announced. She grabbed socks from her other drawer on the way past. Lewis raced through the door before her. She went to his room for his hearing aids and to his credit, Lewis did follow her and stood, not completely still, while she placed them and turned them on. When she was done Lewis gave a squeal and ran for the door again. Gillian thought about stopping him to change his diaper. "Ah screw it," she said to herself and pulled a pair of his underpants from his drawer to follow him to the living room.

Cal was in there starting the fire while Lewis pointed out all the new presents that had arrived over night. "Santa!" He repeated. "Santa! Oh look! Presents!"

"He definitely wasn't this excited last year," Cal noted.

Gillian pressed a kiss to the top of her husband's head. "No," she agreed simply. "Better let him go for it before he spontaneously combusts."

"All right, all right!" Cal called over the excited chattering of their son. He lifted the barrier out of the way and Lewis dived to his knees, grabbing the first present. "Wait!" Cal told him. "Is it for you?"

Lewis looked confused as he gripped the box, fingering the shiny paper with dancing reindeer. "Does it have your name on it?" Cal signed 'name'. "Here let me see," he reached forward but Lewis refused to relinquish. Cal leaned in to peer at the name tag knowing full well who the present was for. Gillian thought about objecting but then, she could also concede, Lewis had to learn not everything was his or was for him. There were a handful of presents under that tree for his parents. "Look it's got an 'L' for Lewis on it," Cal pointed to the letter while make the sign for the letter with his right hand.

"Eel," Lewis echoed.

"For Lewis," Cal repeated.

"Fah Lewbis."

"That's you," Cal told him.

"Me," Lewis agreed.

"You can open it," Cal told him.

"You've confused him," Gillian interjected taking a seat in Cal's armchair so she was close to the action. She leaned forward to press her hands against Cal's shoulders.

"One for you my darlin'?" Cal tilted his head back slightly to make eye contact.

"I thought my present was last night," Gillian responded with a smirk.

Cal gave her a grin. "I'm sure there's somethin' from Santa unda the tree for you too luv." Cal reached for a present and Lewis decided he wasn't being watched now and so the present was absolutely off his parent's radar. He ripped the wrapping off in several rushed hand movements.

"Oh look!" His voice rose so high it almost got lost in his excitement. "Dad look!"

"Wow," Cal exaggerated his enthusiasm. "That's very, very cool."

Lewis fingered the shiny box until his father handed him another wrapped gift and suddenly the train set wasn't so interesting anymore.

Cal handed Gillian a small package. "From Santa," he told her.

Shit he was so cute sometimes. She leaned down to give him another kiss. She already had her presents from Santa. Cal and Lewis. Love and happiness. Hope and Light.

**PJ**

Gillian looked over at her husband's naked back. She could see the curve of his spine sticking out through his skin more than it normally would; a residue of the weight he had lost while in the hospital several months ago. It had still only been a few months ago that all of that had happened. She noted he needed a haircut and that she should probably try fattening him up a little. He had always been lean, but not bony thin.

"I thought you were goin' to sleep?"

"Mm," Gillian turned on to her side. "I decided I wasn't sleepy." Probably the mega-load of sugar she'd had for dessert. Even Lewis, who had woken early and tore around the house like a manic puppy had taken his time going to sleep this evening; too much sugar and excitement. "Do you want me to put the light out?"

Cal turned over to face her and wriggled his body closer to hers. He petted the hair back from her face and curled his fingers around her ear, then down the curve of her neck to her bare shoulder. "You could put it out," he mused lightly. "Or you could leave it on..." His hand snaked under the bedclothes. He held her eye while he smoothed fingers over her bare stomach to the curve of her waist and hip. "But while you're up."

Gillian gave him a slight smirky smile. "And you're up?" She raised an eyebrow as he got closer to her.

"Well fancy that," Cal's tone oozed sex. He pressed his lips against hers gently. Gillian opened her mouth against him, tasting him deeply. Cal's hand tightened against her hip and he pressed on her slightly with his weight so she turned over on to her back.

"Make love to me?" Gillian whispered against his mouth.

"Thought you'd neva ask," Cal murmured back.

**PJ**

"Hi!" Gillian greeted her husband enthusiastically. She had just gotten in herself.

"Hey," he gave her a careful smile and she noted he didn't move forward to hug her even though she was standing _right there_.

"This is the first time we've actually been home at the same time in about a week."

"Yeah," forced smile and tired eyes behind black rimmed glasses. "I've been busy at work."

"I know," Gillian responded lightly. "I just meant that I'm excited we actually get to spend the evening together instead of just seeing each other in passing in the morning." She finished removing her coat and kicking her shoes off by the door. She walked through the warm house, taking her purse to the kitchen, where she absently checked her phone as if she were waiting for a specific message she hadn't received yet.

"What do you want for dinner? I'll order in."

"Uh how about pizza?"

His face fell slightly. "Can we get Chinese? I don't feel like pizza."

And it's there again and so Gillian gave him another brilliant smile and agreed to Chinese and left him to ring it through while she went to their bedroom to change. Once she pushed the door shut behind her, anger, disappointment and frustration grip her heart. She was sure he wasn't being difficult on purpose but she had reached the point where she just couldn't stand it anymore. Why ask her what she wanted if he had already made up his mind? Why not just say 'honey I feel like Chinese? Cool?' It wasn't like she had ever said 'no' to him. It wasn't like she had ever stood up to him. That realisation struck cold.

Alec followed her into their bedroom to also change out of his suit and for the sake of their marriage Gillian kept her tongue. No, it was for the sake of not having another argument over nothing that she kept her tongue. She dressed in no particular rush, lest she give Alec the impression that he had pissed her off yet again and then went back to the kitchen. She checked her phone again and opened a bottle of wine and thought to herself that if Alec so much as said one word about the type she had picked she was going to upend it over his head and keeping the peace be damned. She poured herself a glass and one for her husband too and took everything to the living room to wait for the food to arrive.

When Alec came in she already had the TV on to some news station because she knew he liked to be as informed about the world as he could get, and she didn't mind. He sat next to her on the couch and she leaned into him and he put his arm around her. Fifteen minutes later their delivery arrived and Alec got up to pay. Gillian went to get herself a plate and extra napkins because their local never gave them enough. Gillian used her chopsticks to take a selection from each of the boxes, beef noodles, rice, broccoli... Alec ate straight out of the container.

It actually turned out to be one of the nicest evenings they'd had in a long time, not just because they didn't spend so much time together these days, but because they didn't bicker or argue or snipe at each other. They were peaceful around each other. After they had eaten they switched to a current affairs programme and cuddled on the couch for longer. It was nice and Gillian was not just full and content but warm and content and feeling peaceful. Her frustration from earlier was probably just because it had been a long work day and Cal was being typical Cal and her patience was just at a low point. Alec was warm against her back and his hand trailed her arm intermittently and as she relaxed Gillian thought her life wasn't so bad and every marriage had its problems and moments when maybe they were missing each other. Alec had been working long hours for yet another elusive promotion and the least Gillian could do is be supportive and understanding. That was what being a good wife was all about.

When the show ended Alec 'did the dishes' so to speak, which meant putting the uneaten food into the fridge and throwing away the empty cartons. He put Gillian's plate in the dishwasher. They started to get ready for bed. Gillian set the machine to make coffee for the morning. She made sure doors were locked. She put her shoes away. Alec turned off lights and they met in their bedroom again. They undressed on their respective sides of the room and slipped under the covers, both in pyjama bottoms and t-shirts. "Are you going to read?" Alec asked, propping himself up on his elbow.

"Yeah maybe for a bit," Gillian slipped further down the bed and reached for her book.

"Ok," Alec responded and turned over on to his back. Gillian didn't pay attention to whatever he chose to read, she absorbed herself in her book and had a stray thought that she'd left her phone in the living room. She couldn't go and get it now. That was asking for trouble. Alec already hated that she was too much at Cal's beck and call and let's face it, if she went to get her phone now when she had already settled in bed, Alec would know exactly who she was keeping an eye out for messages from.

Gillian finished her chapter and decided it was time to put the light out. She bookmarked her page and slid the novel back on her bedside table and reached for her light. She turned over to watch Alec reading what looked like a dossier. Could she call it ironic if she wasn't allowed to bring work home because it annoyed him so much and yet it was ok for him? Or was that moronic? "Just be a minute," Alec spoke without looking at her.

"Ok," she answered amicably and went back to studying him. She could see a single silver hair nestled amongst his temple. The lines around his eyes were heavy. Something sure took its toll on him. Probably the stress of his job. But Gillian knew there were other things there too, Sophie being one of them, miscarriages and IVF. Alec licked his lips as his eyes scanned down the page, a habit he did when he was also nervous. His lips were thin and rarely ever warm.

"Done," Alec announced. He glanced over at Gillian and she gave him a patient smile. He closed his papers and returned them to his matching bedside table, pulled his glasses from his face and placed them carefully on top of the papers before turning out his light. He turned over and got comfortable.

"Did you have a good day?" Gillian asked, realising she hadn't yet.

"Yeah it was ok. How was your day?" Alec asked far more guardedly.

"Good."

"That's good," Alec offered lamely.

Gillian shifted closer to him and rested her head on her hand, her elbow on the mattress, so she was facing him in the pitch black. She was waiting for her eyes to adjust. "Are you tired?"

Alec must have known immediately what she was asking because his response was very light and conversational. "Oh you know, I'm doing ok."

Gillian leaned forward as Alec did the same and she had to use her hand to find his mouth in the darkness. She giggled as they bumped into each other awkwardly. And then her mouth found Alec's and that little darty tongue of his and she pressed herself further against him. His hands were possessive over her body and he was under her shirt in less than a minute flat. Gillian turned over, pushing blankets out of her way so she didn't get tangled up in them instead of her husband. Alec kissed her firmly and Gillian felt a slow burn start to pool in her stomach. But slow burn was about as far as it got. Alec had never been one for wild passions. He was more of a methodical worker. Maybe Gillian wasn't really in the mood after all. Either way making love with her husband was more like just having sex and she was more in her head thinking about other things than ever before. She even drifted to think about what she had to do first the following morning before telling herself to concentrate. It wasn't like Alec was lousy and he did manage to bring her to orgasm after a while... It wasn't mind blowing in the least. But then Gillian wasn't sure if it ever had been. She couldn't remember if sex with Alec had always been so mundane or whether it had become that way. And why did it bother her so much all of a sudden? It hadn't before. Maybe it should have. Maybe it would be a stronger indication that something was 'off' in her marriage because right now, she was so very confused about it.

**PJ**

Gillian tried the door. It was unlocked. She didn't knock on it anymore. She had an open invitation to be there anytime. And then of course there was the key she'd also had for years, just in case. It was warm inside and she made sure the door was securely closed again and her bag on the floor before she called out to announce her arrival. Then she started on the buttons of her coat.

"Aye, aye," Cal greeted as he came up behind her quickly.

Gillian turned before his arms could entrap her. "Hi," she greeted with a grin. Cal leaned in immediately to kiss her. His tongue traced along her closed lips and she immediately parted them to let him in. Her stomach quivered in a way that robbed her of breath as he kissed her deeply, pressing his body against hers. She took a step backwards and the wall was firm against her shoulders. Cal's hands were all over her and she wanted to cuss her head off with how quickly he set up the fire inside her. But his mouth remained hot and relentless on hers until she couldn't breathe anymore and she had to push him away. "What about dinner?" She asked weakly.

He was back a second later, continuing to spin his magic on her neck, while his hands smoothed over every inch of her front, back, thighs and arms and pushed her coat to the floor. "Are you kiddin' me?" He asked between scorching kisses.

"Yes," Gillian sighed. Her hands curled around the back of his head. "Yes I'm kidding. You're right. No idea what I was thinking."

"How do I get you out of this dress?" Cal murmured against her throat, after nipping and sucking and feeling over body again with purposeful fingers.

"Ask," Gillian could barely form that one coherent word.

"Hidden zips I should know about? It'd kill the mood if you pause to laugh at my male attempts to undress you."

Gillian smiled despite herself. It sounded like he was asking her if she had any hidden residual doubts. "No hidden zips," she whispered to the hallway. No hidden regrets either. Last night had been amazing. She had long wondered what Cal was like in bed and now she knew for sure. He was a fantastic lover. And she almost regretted waiting so long to make love with him; now she knew what she had been missing out on she wished she had taken the plunge a lot sooner. But then it was easy to look back with regrets wasn't it? It was much harder to look forward with none.

"Bedroom," she demanded. "Now."

Cal immediately pushed back from her and grabbed her by the hips. They staggered down the hallway as they kissed and started to undress. Gillian undid the top two buttons of Cal's shirt and then pulled it over his head. The expression he gave her once he was freed made her heart skip a beat. Desire. Pure desire and a little glimpse of that other expression she was sill tentatively calling love. It very well could be lust. Right now she was lusting after him too, hard. She pulled him against her again, running her fingers through his already dishevelled hair. She could feel her heart pounding blood recklessly around her throbbing body.

"I want you so badly," she told Cal and he gave a little grunt in response, which just renewed both of their efforts to get the other naked as fast as possible. Gillian kicked away her pumps as Cal pulled the zip in the back of her dress. He pulled it forward over her shoulders and it fell to the ground in a heap leaving her in underwear. The expression on his face was pure appreciation and Gillian felt her skin gooseflesh in anticipation. She had been thinking about last night all day. To be fair she had been turned on since she saw him arrive at the office that morning. And then she had periodically fantasised and relived last night and in general kept the fire stoked all day.

Cal stepped forward to brush his hands over her bare skin now. His mouth teased along her collarbone and down to her chest. Gillian reached for his work trousers and undid the catch quickly so she could discard them to the floor too. Cal moaned lightly as she slid hands beneath his underwear. She could feel him quivering; his entire body vibrating. He kissed her gently while he let her build the tension within him. Then he unclasped her bra and started pushing her towards the bed, his hands and mouth on her breasts.

"Oh god Cal!" Gillian breathed as she fell backwards. Cal was over her a second later, the hardness of his body pressing against hers. She already knew he kissed like a demon but now she knew how he made love too. He was everywhere at once, in exactly all the places she wanted him the most without her having to tell him. She wondered if he was reading her face or whether he really was _that_ good. Or maybe it was just that she was so damn attracted to him because this time, the second time, she was sure he only had to make her _think_ about what he was doing and she was crying out in ecstasy.

**PJ**

Gillian could hear her phone start ringing as she walked down the corridor. She said hello to Heidi as she walked by the reception desk and started digging for the device. She pushed her office door open with her back as her fingers finally closed around the vibrating electric. The number on the screen was one that made her heart go cold. She looked over the hallway to her husband's office. She thought about going in there immediately to interrupt whatever it was that he was doing. But she thought better of it, or perhaps not better, just differently.

"Hello?" She answered politely, turning into her office and letting the door swing shut behind her. After ten minutes of conversation she was disconnecting the call again with a lump in the back of her throat that tasted a lot like the coffee she had drunk that morning and a heavy heart. She had to front up to Cal anyway. May as well do it now. Now that she could see his office door open as Dr Roberts exited.

Cal had a projection displayed against the wall, a woman in her fifties. Gillian's heels on the floor announced her arrival. He turned to give her a smile. "Hi darlin'."

"Hi."

"What's wrong?" Cal was immediately serious again.

"I just got a call from Gail," she watched as his eyes narrowed on hearing the name. She didn't have to tell him what it was about. He could guess quite accurately and he didn't even have to be the intelligent man that he was. "I told her no."

Cal quickly approached where she stood. He put his hands on her arms gently, as if he was trying to steady himself. "Really?" He searched her face like crazy and she let him because quite frankly, she hadn't instilled a lot of trust that meant he didn't have to. She didn't know how she felt about it either. But she knew telling Gail 'no' was the right thing to do. There was no way she was going to touch that subject again. Her stomach hadn't even jumped for joy at the news Gail had a potential mother that she felt was a good match for them. Not only was it insensitive on Gail's part, being so soon after Lily's death, but it was clearly something that Gillian felt differently about now. It wasn't the same anymore. She didn't want it. She knew that for sure now.

"Yeah. I'm done with it. You and me and Lewis. That's our family now."

Cal pulled her into a hug. "God I'm so relieved. You have no idea." Actually she did, because he felt more relaxed in her arms right now than he had in years. "I'm sorry but there is no way in hell I could have gone through all of that again. I love you and I want you to be happy and all but..."

"I know. Which is exactly why I turned her down and asked her not to call again."

"I'm so proud of you."

Gillian started to cry. Which made her feel silly. Her husband was proud of her. Isn't that what any woman wanted? He soothed her back and told her it was all right. She wasn't crying because she was upset. It was a release of tension and a long held on to belief that she was meant to have a daughter. Circumstance told her otherwise. She was listening to circumstance. One day at a time. And then it would get easier. Days would become weeks, weeks turned into months, months inevitably turned into years. She had been fighting for things she thought she wanted and what she had sought all along was actually right in front of her. She thought she had to replace Sophie for her to feel complete but she knew now that that wasn't true. What she hated the most was that she had learnt the lesson the hard way. And she was so thankful she had learnt the lesson before she had pushed Cal away forever.

Everything would be all right as long as she had her boys. And besides, she had vicariously raised Emily anyway. She had two beautiful nieces that she didn't nearly spend enough time with. And, according to Cal, in ten years, when Emily started a family, she could smother her step-grandchildren all over again.

"All right luv?"

She nodded, pulled back, wiped away her tears carefully so she didn't smudge her makeup. It wasn't like she had balled her eyes out. Just another release. "I got lost."

Cal stroked her hair back from her face. He gave her a quick kiss and a little smile. "It's all right. I've been here waitin'."

"I know," she whispered. She knew. God, she knew. She was so damn lucky. How could she look at her husband and her son and not think she was? Lost was an understatement. She had been lost, confused, blinded. And it was something she had to find her own way back from. Cal had been there waiting for her and she knew he was all along and then it had been a case of finding her way again while Cal shone like a million candle watts to guide her way. She had Cal and she had hope and this time she really meant it when she said that was all she wanted. That was all she needed.

"Give me anotha hug," Cal demanded gently, pulling her into his embrace again. Gillian stepped closer to him. She put her arms around his shoulders and clung on and all of a sudden tears were flowing again. "What's wrong?" Cal asked softly.

"I've been so stupid. I could have lost you forever. I got so close to repeating the same stupid mistakes I made with Alec and loving him is nothing like loving you. Or being loved by you."

Cal's hand made an absent circle on her back. He held her tightly. But to his credit he didn't shush her or tell her she was being silly.

"I disconnected from my marriage with Alec and I refuse to make that same mistake again."

"You know. I might be a face reada but I'm not a mind reada. I need you to talk to me, tell me what's goin' on in your head."

"I know."

"I should have asked you before, but to be honest, I was afraid of what you might tell me."

"I know," Gillian sobbed.

"We were a time bomb waiting to go off. Could you feel it?"

"Yes. I could. But I didn't know how to fix it and so I did the cowardly thing. God, I feel so terrible."

They were talking about New York. About the adoption. About the cancer. About the strained back and forth that had been their marriage in the last year. They were grieving their daughter and all that had happened before her.

Cal's hand smoothed along her neck and shoulders. "It's all right luv. Cos we'll fix this togetha. We are fixin' it. It's all right."


	12. Chapter 12

_AN: M sections in this chapter_

**PJ**

Gillian looked up to the knock on her office door. It was open and so the knocker walked in after announcing his arrival. "Alec," she greeted, not sure if she should be suspicious or welcoming or what.

"Hi Gillian."

Suddenly his smile didn't seem so warm or secretive, but cold and calculating. Ok maybe that wasn't fair, maybe it was more that his smile wasn't for her anymore and so it lacked something. It was the polite smile of a stranger. Gillian found it hard to believe she used to kiss those lips. Or that she had seen this man naked.

"Alec," Gillian greeted him cordially. She didn't get up from her desk to greet him in any other way. What she wanted to ask was 'what do you want?' but surely he would get to that point soon enough. She doubted this was a social visit. She hadn't seen him in so long... since they had talked about selling their house.

"I won't stay long," he supplied as he sat. "Just wanted to let you know I've spoken to my lawyer, with the house sold, everything can move on now."

He seemed sincere but there was just something about him that made Gillian feel uneasy now. Probably because he had seen her naked. And the guy who now got to see her naked was fifteen feet across the hall. She never thought she would be sitting here under these circumstances. She had always believed marriage should be forever. She always thought that no matter what happened she would find a way through, with the right partner, whatever life threw at her. Marriage was about being a team and communicating even when it was hard and not giving up. And yet here was Alec, telling her to expect divorce papers to sign.

"Thanks for stopping by to let me know," she responded while thinking he could have picked up a phone to tell her that.

"I didn't want to make an impersonal phone call," Alec licked his lips in his own signature nervous gesture and Gillian wondered if it was as hard for him to be here as it was for her. As they had gotten to the end she wondered if he even felt anything towards her anymore. "You know," he gestured and she knew now, she understood, he was saying sorry and that he wished it hadn't come to this and no hard feelings...

Gillian gave him a tight smile. She nodded in a way that she hoped he knew meant that she never meant for it to happen this way either. Alec got up again. There was no farewell, no words or empty gestures like hugging or shaking hands. Alec gave her a tight lipped smile of his own and she could see in his eyes that this was goodbye. Her expression softened and she gave a little nod. He showed himself out and she watched his back disappear down the corridor and thought back to days when he would come to see her at work to take her to lunch, or surprise her with flowers on her birthday or their anniversary.

Cal strolled into her office five minutes later. "Guess who I ran into in the hallway?"

"I don't know," Gillian responded casually until she knew who he was talking about.

"One Mista Alec Fosta."

"Oh god really?" She got up from behind her desk.

"It was fine," Cal slipped his hand into hers and pulled her closer against him. "We got out the measurin' sticks."

"Oh really?" Gillian smirked as she shifted her weight to her back foot to keep from pressing up against him. "And how did you come off?"

"Well you should know that darlin'," Cal murmured in her ear as he stepped in close to her.

Gillian giggled as Cal kissed under her ear. She gave a sigh and him a gentle push. "Not here."  
>Cal pouted. "Tonight?"<p>

"Of course."

"Come ova, I'll cook dinna," Cal suggested as he backed up towards the door.

"Are we actually going to eat first or should I snack before I head over?"

Cal pretended to think and then shot her a very wicked expression. "Snack first."

**PJ**

Cal kissed along her neck and kept her from moving with the weight of his body pressing against hers. Her hands gripped his shoulders; it was hard tell if she was resisting or giving in. She had started out trying to push him away a little but now it seemed like she was just clinging on to him. "Are you tryin' to fight me?" Cal asked lightly.

"I barely walked through the door," Gillian breathed. To be fair, they both had, literally, just walked through the door. Cal had her pinned up against the wall before the lock had even clicked back into place.

"I can't wait any longa."

"Are you trying to convince me that I can't wait either?"

"Yep," Cal growled close to her ear. He felt her shiver and smiled.

"I haven't even had the chance to look at our hotel room."

"Hmm," Cal mused, he pulled back abruptly, grabbed her wrist and pulled her from the wall and into his arms. He walked backwards into the centre of the room and then stalked around her so she could see the room. Then he started kissing her neck from behind. He let her hand go and smoothed his along the fabric of the thin dress she was wearing; down her hip, along her stomach, her ribs, skirting just under her breasts. She sunk back into him, her fingers curling around Cal's arms, her head tilting back, her eyes closed. "You're not gonna see anythin' like that," Cal told her.

She gave a funny kind of breath that was a cross between a sudden intake and a huff. Cal smiled again. "Don't get too smug about it," she warned lightly.

"Me?" Cal asked innocently.

"You know we don't have to fall into bed straight away."

'_Are you kiddin' me?_' Cal thought. What was a honeymoon if not an excuse to have sex for five days straight? Gillian squirmed this time, rubbing her ass against him. It elicited another growl out of Cal and for a second he felt like control was slipping out of his grasp, so he moved with her. He snaked his arm around her waist to hold her firmly and danced her in a slow circle to the beat of his heart. Gillian's hands reached around behind him to rest on his thighs, he could feel her fingers gripping tightly. Cal used that time to figure out how to take her dress off her. It wasn't form fitting which mean there probably wasn't a hidden zip or anything but it would certainly kill the delicate mood he was slowly weaving around them if he had to stop and ask her, or attempted to pull it over her head only to find it didn't fit.

Gillian gave a little sigh. Her head rested on his shoulder giving Cal the perfect view of her lips as she moistened them slightly, her teeth tugging at her bottom lip in an attempt to ground herself. God damn but she was so beautiful. And she was his wife! _His_ wife! Cal brought up a hand to smooth down her cheek, over her jaw bone; his new wedding band glowed in the light. He lowered his mouth to plant a sweet kiss just below her ear and took that opportunity to breathe in the smell of her. Her perfume was sweet and light and underneath that there was that smell that was Gillian; it was on his sheets and his pillow and sometimes on his clothes and it made his stomach swoon for her.

Cal smoothed a strap of her dress over her shoulder gently, a desire to feel her skin under his fingertips more than anything. She was so soft. So sweet. So beautiful and she was his now. His wife. He wasn't going to screw it up this time. This time it would be different. He had bulldozed Zoe and he wasn't going to make that mistake again. He was going to be different. He was determined. He wasn't going to drag Gillian down to his level; he was going to climb up to hers.

The room was warm. Well, the weather was warm this close to the equator. And Cal's skin quickly grew damp beneath his clothes. Gillian pushed the other strap of her dress down her arms and pulled away from him slightly so the material would shimmer down her body and fall to the floor. She turned to face him and stood before him in a strapless bra and matching underwear and those impossibly sexy pumps. Cal stared, absorbing in the image of his new wife. Did he mention she was sexy as hell too? Because she was. So damn sexy. She stepped towards him, her eyes dark, her skin flushed. She pushed his suit jacket off his shoulders and down his arms, letting it fall to the floor in a heap. Then she slowly undid the buttons of his shirt, one by one, slowly making her way down his chest. Cal watched her face while she concentrated. He kept his hands to himself; for now he just wanted to watch.

Gillian pushed the material of his shirt down his shoulders too, to his wrists. She took them each in turn and undid the buttons at the cuffs and freed him. Then she reached for the hem of his undershirt and pulled it up his body. This was far more intimate than Cal had thought it was going to be. She wasn't feeling him up, or really even touching him in anyway and yet the sheer _thought_ of her doing so and the gentle way in which she undressed him had his body quivering slightly. Cal watched as her lips parted slightly so she could get air faster. He could barely detect the rise and fall of her chest. She was loving this as much as he was. The colour in her cheeks got deeper as she reached for his belt buckle. Cal wondered when her resolve would crack. He wondered when his would.

She pulled the belt out of its loops and threw it to the floor in a smooth and controlled move. She undid the button of his trousers and it was like they were discovering each other all over again but were in absolutely no hurry to do so. Like they had forever for this. They did have forever right? Cal watched Gillian's hands, the thin wedding band newly adorned on her finger an attractive addition to sexy fingers. Gillian pushed his trousers over his hips and let them fall to the floor. Cal dutifully kicked his shoes off and his trousers along with them. He bent to peel off damp socks, letting his bare toes curl into the thick rug beneath his feet. Gillian held his hand and waited patiently and when he was standing again, at eye level with her in those heels, she almost seemed to be asking him if he was ready.

She took a step backwards and Cal followed her to the bed. It was raised up so that when she sat on it she was still in line with Cal's hips. She kicked her shoes off and parted her legs and pulled him to stand between them as she hooked them onto his waist. But instead of sitting there and waiting for him to take control Gillian leaned forward and slipped her fingers beneath the elastic of his briefs. She looked up at him as she pushed the material down over his thighs and let the item of clothing fall to the floor. The look in her eyes was so hard to decide on; innocence, sexy, fire, hunger, lust. She took him in both hands, stroked lightly, teased and all the while she looked up at him, watching his face. And then a challenge. It was his turn again.

Cal brought his hands up to her back and smoothed over her bra. No catch. He gave her a little raised eyebrow and she gave a slight smile. Did he mention she could be naughty sometimes? So damn naughty. Cal could feel her eyes on him intently while he unclasped her bra from the front, his fingers pressing into the firm softness of her breasts while he worked. Cal watched as sweat glistened across her skin as he successfully rid her of the first item of underwear. He threw it gently to the floor, every action controlled and calm. The first time they had sex had been frantic. And he loved that kind of pace but Gillian had slowed this time down; for the first time making love to his wife it seemed entirely appropriate. Besides, he could shag her up against the wall later. Five whole days for that.

Gillian lay back against the mattress, her eyes fluttering closed as Cal's hands smoothed down her waist and hips. He could feel her legs quivering against his waist as he hooked fingers under the elastic of her thong. He pulled it slowly over the top of her thighs, watching her face as he moved so deliberately. A little furrow appeared between her eyebrows and he knew that despite her outward calm and self control, she wanted him badly. Cal stepped away to pull her underwear over her feet, ditching the heels finally; her toes were curled tightly. He could see her blood flushing the skin of her chest now and he wondered what the hell was going on in her head because he hadn't even started to consciously drive her wild yet.

When she couldn't feel Cal return immediately Gillian opened her eyes again in time to watch him kneel down in front of her. He moved her legs gently over his shoulders and slipped his hands under her butt, rising her slightly up so he had better access and oh god! The expression on his face as he leaned into her was so full of tenderness she just about lost it right then and there. He pressed his mouth against her so softly it was like every inch of her body was waiting for it, straining to feel him more. She whimpered. She couldn't help it. He was so excruciatingly slow and tender and gentle with her it heightened every sense to a whole new level.

He used his tongue to explore every facet of her, to tease every inch like he had all the time in the world, like he didn't want to skip over or miss any opportunity. Gillian held back and held back because she never wanted it to end. It felt like she was right on the verge of release forever before she couldn't take it any longer and rewarded Cal with a long moan, the desperate repetitive call of his name and her hands clutching at the one part of him that she could reach, his wrists disappearing beneath her backside.

Cal straightened to his feet and when his head was within reach Gillian grabbed him and pulled him in sharply for a deep kiss. She felt the warmth of the full length of his body wash over her. "I want you," she murmured against his mouth. "Now." She reached a hand and found him and guided him to just exactly where she wanted him. He scrambled to find space on the bed and half lifted, half dragged her further across the mattress so there was room for him too. He pushed into her and seemed stunned for a moment. Gillian didn't ask him what that was about, she didn't want to lose an iota of momentum right now. She could feel every cell crying out to be closer to him. She tilted her hips and wrapped her legs tightly around his waist, as high as she could reach so he pushed into her deeper and deeper. She pressed him in tighter, clung on to his shoulders to get closer, as if she could literally melt into the skin of his chest.

Gillian brought her mouth up to kiss him again, waiting patiently for him to gather himself again, delighting in her ability to make him lost for a second, just like he did to her. She could feel his body throbbing with a warmth and a desire just as strong as hers and any doubts, not that she'd had _any_, about their strength as a couple, about their ability to make their marriage work flew out of the window. They were connected in a way no one else was. They were connected in a way she'd never felt before. She knew, she just knew, that they would be fine, together forever; this was true love and nothing would destroy that.

Cal readjusted his weight on his hands and pushed his hips back. The friction of him moving against her sent electricity through Gillian's nerves. She arched her back into him, her breath coming in a gasp. Then Cal pushed back, sending the current to her head; her scalp prickled. Her hands slipped against his slick back and she knew she had no hope in hell of having any control over this moment right here. Quite frankly she didn't want to. She wanted to get lost in Cal, her husband. Her _husband_.

Gillian could feel her body tighten and wind up, racing forward to that place she had been many times but hadn't truly appreciated until Cal had taken her there. She had been there before, many, many times, but it was like Cal knew secrets about her even she didn't know about. With him as her guide it was so much more vibrant, brilliant, exciting, the sense of achievement so much more delicious. She caved, she fell, she spiralled out of control, and Cal was right there with her; their bodies shuddering and swirling together, united by invisible connections that bound stronger than ropes or empty words.

Tears slipped out of Gillian's eyes to mix with the sweat on her face; not necessarily an emotional reaction but an overwhelming surge of relief. She wasn't sobbing her eyes out and she didn't feel the need to cry but she could feel the tears were there and she knew they meant something significant because Cal was the only man that had elicited that kind of response out of her. Gillian squirmed against the bed as the aftermath continued to lap through her. The room was scorching hot but without Cal there she felt dismally colder. And then he was back and he practically picked her up to move her to the pillow. She turned and placed herself over his chest, not yet ready to be separated from him.

"You're fantastic," Cal told the room gently. His fingers trailed lazily up her bare back.

"No you're fantastic," Gillian managed words. It sounded like a complaint. In some ways it was. This beautiful man, he happened to outdo her in so many ways. Gillian kissed his neck and then his lips and shifted to lie beside him so he could breathe without the weight of her there.

Cal smoothed back the damp hair from her forehead tenderly. "All right?"

She nodded. "That was phenomenal."

Cal gave a slight smile. All she could see in his eyes was love. That adoration and love and it made her stomach nervous. "You're phenomenal," Cal told her without even a hint of teasing or humour. He really meant that.

"Promise me we'll always be together. No matter what."

Cal shifted his hand and offered her his pinky finger. Gillian gave him a little frown of amusement. Was he serious? Cal was offering to pinky swear? Shouldn't he make a more serious offer? She wanted words.

"My mutha used to pinky promise me."

Oh god he was serious! He couldn't be more serious. Gillian quickly shifted her hand to entwine her much smaller finger around his littlest. Her stomach churned with the meaning of the gesture. A pinky swear would never mean the same to her ever again.

"I promise I will always be here with you."

Gillian nodded. Suddenly she couldn't find the words. Cal watched her sincerely. He squeezed her finger with his. "I will neva break that promise."

**PJ**

"I really appreciate your help on this one Lightman. This guy has played every game in the book with us and I really want to nail him this time."

"He sounds like a delightful characta," Cal mused as he read through the thick file the FBI had collated on John Douglas.

"Hey Ben!" Gillian greeted enthusiastically as she entered Cal's office. "Really long time no see."

"Gillian," Ben Reynolds gave her a warm smile. They had a brief, friendly, polite hug around the shoulders. "How you doing? You look good."

"Thank you. I'm fine. You look well yourself."

Reynolds's smile was one of pride. "I keep ok." Then he ran his hand along the back of his neck.

"Can you stop flirtin' with my wife?" Cal requested lightly. "I _am_ in the room."

Gillian shot Cal an unimpressed expression. "It's nice to see you again Ben."

"You too," the FBI agent replied sounding a little embarrassed now.

Gillian moved around Ben. "And you," she directed at Cal. "I came by to say hello to."

"Good-o," Cal replied, his attention still on the file.

Gillian gave his down turned face a slight glare.

"I saw that," Cal responded turning the page.

Gillian turned her attention back to Ben who looked decidedly uncomfortable now. "I, uh, heard about your baby," he started to speak as if he were forcing the words out. "I'm sorry."

Gillian smiled slightly but not very brightly. "Lily. Thank you."

"I would have come by," Reynolds gave a slight shrug. "But I figured you didn't want people in your space."

"Smart move," Cal responded.

Gillian ignored him. "That's ok," she told the FBI agent. "We appreciate your thoughts anyway."

Ben gave a nod and seemed relieved. Gillian moved to plant a kiss on her husband's cheek, finishing her greeting. Cal looked up as Gillian started to walk away and gave her a private kind of smile. He didn't miss hers just as she started to turn away. "I'll leave you boys to it," she said before disappearing into Cal's study so she could cut through the corridor on the other side to her office.

"So what have you got him on suspicion of this time?"

"Rape again," Reynolds answered immediately. "But the evidence is circumstantial at best."

"No DNA?" Cal cut in.

"Nope. The victims can't be sure of an identification. What we need is a solid confession."

"Right," Cal agreed. He closed the folder. "When does he get here?"

Reynolds checked his watch. "Should be any minute."

"Meet you there then," Cal shoved the folder in his direction and took off to follow his wife. She was sitting at her desk, paperwork in front of her, attention on the desk. She looked up as he came in. "You all right?" he asked without preamble.

"Yes I'm fine. Why?"

"You know," Cal gestured to his office.

Gillian followed the movement. "Yes," she repeated. "We can talk about Lily right?"

"Yeah."

"Without falling apart," Gillian finished.

"I wasn't sure how you would feel about it."

"It makes me sad to think about her," Gillian admitted getting up and walking around her desk. "But I'm not going to pretend like she never happened. I won't just erase her as if she never existed." She reached him and put her arms around his neck.

Cal gave a solemn nod. "All right," he agreed. "Just wanted to check in. Open communication and all that."

Gillian gave him a slight smile and then brushed her lips against his. "And you? How are you doing?"

"All right," Cal responded with a purposeful shrug. "Hurts to think about her sometimes. Worse when it catches me off guard."

Gillian nodded. She gave him another kiss.

"That helps," Cal told her with that very slight up turning of his lip that meant he was amused.

"Go and catch the bad guy," Gillian told him in dismissal, stepping away again. She headed back to her desk and sat. Cal headed for the door, looking back at her before walking away again. He strode down the hallway to find Loker; he was already setting up the Cube for the interview. Doctor Roberts was there too, consulting the file Reynolds was waving around. As Cal strolled in his attention was immediately draw to the Doctor. His shoulders were set tense and the expression on his face, it raised a warning flag in Cal's chest. But before he could act on it Reynolds was talking to him about the interview. He had a specific agenda that he wanted Cal to play along with: he wanted a clear confession; he needed one to be able to arrest this guy.

John Douglas was a serial rapist. But he was also cold and calculating and didn't take his victims by sheer opportunity. He hunted them down like animals and then treated them as such. The women that had come forward so far were only a few and as with any case dealing with rape, it was probably safe to assume there were more who were too ashamed to speak out. He was a man who would only serve society in a constructive way by being behind bars. When Douglas was brought in Cal was surprised to find someone of a small stature, a lean physique; he looked a bit like Cal did.

Cal took an instant dislike to Douglas and then shoved it aside. He needed to be professional and detached; leave his emotions at the door. He couldn't help but think about if it were Gillian's name was on that list and tried harder to clamp down on his emotions. The effort had him concentrating so hard he wasn't entirely sure what happened next. He became aware of yelling. Doctor Roberts had crossed the room to where another FBI agent was bringing Douglas into the room for the interview in the Cube. Roberts approached rapidly, his voice raised, violence on his face. Cal snapped into action, beating Loker, who was just pushing back his chair from his desk. He reached Roberts and pulled back on his raised arm, tugging the anger and force out of the punch that hadn't been thrown yet.

"My office now!" He hollered in the younger man's ear. He caught a slight smirk on Douglas's face as the FBI agent pulled him out of the way of the wrath. Cal man-handled Paul out the door and into the hallway. He started to protest but Cal just yelled over the top of him and continued to shove him down the hallway to his office. Employees around them stopped what they were doing to watch the show. Cal was aware of them out of the corner of his eye but it didn't stop him.

"What the bloody hell was that all about?" Cal asked once the door had slammed shut. He was aware now of his heart pounding and his breath coming in agitated bursts. He wasn't sure if that was from the reaction Roberts had given in there or the effort of dragging him out again. "I take it you know Douglas then?"

Roberts was also in the process of catching his breath. His face had gone red and the anger expression he wore in the Cube was still on his features; except now he looked more annoyed. "Well?" Cal asked stepping into his personal space. It wasn't about seeing his face better; it was about forcing an answer.

Cal's office door opened suddenly and Gillian came in. "What's going on?" She asked as she let it slam shut behind her again.

"Roberts was just tellin' me how he knows the suspect."

Paul looked ashamed and tried to step out of Cal's gaze. Cal followed him of course until Gillian's hands on his shoulder and arm intervened and pulled him back gently. She called to him but he wasn't interested in what she had to say. "I don't like bein' lied to," Cal growled at Roberts. "Jenna? Melissa? Helen? Penny? Lauren? Lauren it is," Cal carried on. "Wife? Fiancé? Girlfriend? Sister? Fiancé then." He finally stepped back and left Roberts with that. He turned to Gillian who looked a little stunned. "Did you know?"

"Cal," she started.

"Did you know?" Cal repeated firmly and watched her face.

"Of course I didn't know," Gillian responded quietly as if she lowered her voice enough Roberts wouldn't be able to hear them. He was standing less than three feet away.

"Cos you see I might start to think this is a conspiracy of some sort," Cal gestured towards her.

"For God's sake," she muttered at him annoyed and turned to leave. She didn't slam the door on her way out which was far more of a statement than if she had.

Cal turned back to Roberts, who seemed to be a little bit more in control of himself now. "Did you feed her the same lie you fed me?"

"She never asked. It never came up."

Cal gave a short sharp nod. "So that line about your Grandmotha? That was just for me?"

"You have to understand Doctor Lightman. You asked me and I tried to tell you the truth."

"I was there," Cal responded snidely. "I rememba."

"I didn't think you would take the line about my Grandmother. I thought you would see through it straight away. But I didn't want my past to affect the chances of me getting a job here."

"Did you apply for this job to get close to Douglas?"

"How could I even know that the FBI would bring him by here one day?"

Cal already knew that but he wanted to see sincerity on the younger man. "You stay away from him," he pointed a finger suddenly. "Go home. I don't want to see you for the rest of the day."

Roberts opened his mouth to protest.

"Don't even botha," Cal growled at him. "You are so far off this case residents in Timbucktoo are close-a to it."

Roberts looked annoyed now.

"You played this wrong, I hope you realise," Cal added.

Roberts looked abashed.

"But just so you know," Cal added. "I will nail this bastard to the wall, not because it's personal, but because he's scum and should have been locked up years ago." He turned to walk towards his office door. His hand rested on the door handle and he hesitated. "By the way, I'm sorry. Your fiancé," he offered over his shoulder and then pulled the door open. "And I did know right from the start," and he strode out.


	13. Chapter 13

_AN: M sections in this chapter_

**PJ**

Cal spent four hours in the Cube wearing Douglas down into a confession. By the end he was exhausted. It was harder trying to keep Gillian and Roberts out of his head while playing his mind games. When he emerged he found Roberts had in fact gone home like instructed but had called every hour just about on the hour to ask for a progress update. Gillian had left to pick Lewis up from day care not long ago. They were at home. It was late in the afternoon. It could almost be considered evening. Cal decided to call it a day.

Gillian met him at the internal garage door. She held a finger up to her lips, the international signal to be quiet. Cal signed 'why?': touching the fingers of his right hand against his forehead and forming them into a 'Y' hand shape as he brought his hand away, the palm still facing him.

Gillian finger-spelled the abbreviation of Lewis's name and then 'bad': pressing the fingers of her right hand against her lips and then moving them away and down so her palm was facing the floor.

Cal came up the step and she didn't move back out of his way. "Hi," he greeted her.

"Hi," she gave him a slight smile. She leaned in to give him a quick kiss; a no hard feelings kind of kiss.

"What did Lewis do?" Cal asked as they moved into the house. He figured the toddler was sitting a time out somewhere in the house, hence the reason Gillian told him to be quiet. His father coming home was exciting and would cause more trouble while he was supposed to be under punishment.

"Throwing things again."

"Are you all right?"

"Yes. He didn't actually get me this time."

They moved into the kitchen. "So how'd it go?" She asked carefully, giving Cal her full attention, indicating that this would not be a brief dismissive conversation.

Cal dropped heavily to the cushion next to her. "With Douglas?"

"Yes."

"Got a confession."

"Good," Gillian responded firmly. She brought her eyes to meet his and the meaning was doubly clear. She had put herself in the same situation too. Cal gave a nod. "And Roberts?" She raised her eyebrows slightly.

"He went home," Cal answered.

"I know. He called me."

Cal waited. Gillian waited. She gave Cal an expectant expression. "Don't make me ask you," Gillian told him.

"He's in my bad books but he's not out on his ass."

"Good."

"Did you know the grandmotha story was a lie?"

"No," Gillian gave him a straight face. "It didn't come up. Did you know?"

"Yeah. I knew there was somethin' funny but there _was_ truth in his conviction. The grandmotha part he had trouble sellin'."

Gillian nodded. She checked her watch. "And you hired him anyway? Even though he lied to you during the interview?"

"They all lie durin' their intaview," Cal answered as if it were obvious. "But his heart was in the right place."

Gillian gave him a nod and a slight smile. She rubbed his thigh with her hand before getting up. "I shall go and get your son. And then maybe, if you're not too tired, we could go for a walk in the sun?"

"Sure," Cal agreed easily. "Sounds like a plan."

**PJ**

"Cal?"

"Hmm?" He turned over slightly, disorientated about the time and the place. He seemed to be in bed. And Gillian was leaning over him.

"Hey," she greeted gently as she climbed over his torso to sit on his belly. Cal opened his eyes but saw little more than the outline of her body in the darkened room. He gave a grunt and pushed at her thighs to make her sit back further so he could breathe. "Are you awake Cal?" Gillian's voice was close again and he could smell alcohol on her breath.

"No I'm asleep," he retorted.

"I had so much fun tonight."

"That's good," he muttered closing his eyes again.

Her lips pressed against his. "Thank you for babysitting."

"Uh huh," Cal replied. Gillian captured his mouth and slipped her tongue against his and then he could taste whatever it was that she had been drinking. It was sweet. "Are you drunk darlin'?" He asked curiously when she pulled away again. His heart was already beating faster.

"Maybe a little bit," Gillian admitted. Cal could hear a rustling of clothing and opened his eyes in time to see her strip off the top she had worn out that evening. It was a shame it was dark. His hands shifted to her hips, searching out the bare skin.

"How did you get home?"

"I got a cab," she murmured as she leaned in to him again. Cal met her mouth, tasting the sweetness of her and cocktails. "I'm so hot for you Cal."

Cal's stomach flipped over. "Oh God," he growled. Gillian shifted off him and found her way under the bed covers. "What time is it?" Cal requested.

"It's really not that late," Gillian replied, her hands feeling in every direction, under the blankets, then ripping them away.

"Hey!" Cal complained. "I'm sleepin'."

Hands on his torso and then much lower. "No you're not."

"I'm," Cal started and then his breath hitched of its own accord. Gillian pulled back his underwear and gripped him before leaning down to take him in her mouth. He bucked slightly and gave a strangled cuss. It took him a second to get over the hot shock of her. "Gill," he tried again but it came out more like a whimper and he decided he didn't give a toss if it was some early hour of the morning, or that the pace of this, whatever this was, was a bit more intense than he usually preferred, or that his wife was slightly or very pissed. Even drunk her tongue was magic. He threaded his fingers through her hair and then caressed down her arm. She shifted slightly and he wished he could see. He reached his other arm out for the lamp on his night stand. He was too far away.

Gillian pulled away from him. "Cal," her voice was strained too. But that was all she said before she climbed over him again and ground herself down slowly onto his lap. Cal gave another little groan as the searing heat of her mouth was replaced by the overwhelming heat of her body. His hands shifted to her hips. She leaned forward slightly so he moved his hands forward to smooth over her ass before her flesh connected with his abdomen. "Oh Cal," she groaned. "I hate this position."

"I know that," he responded working his hands up the smooth skin of her back. He found her bra and undid it. Gillian pulled it from her shoulders and threw it to the ground. "We discovered that years ago rememba?"

She gave a huff and Cal felt her balance shift slightly. "I want you to do me." And then she slid off of him.

Cal gave a long groan at the loss of contact, making sure to keep his voice as soft as he could; it was the dead of the night after all. He turned over immediately to seek out the warmth again in the dark. He followed the sound of Gillian's erratic breathing and the feel of her skin under his finger tips. He found his way up the inside of her thighs. She moaned in response, squirmed, grabbed his wrists, forcing him higher. "You're really very naughty you know that?" Cal told her. "You still have your undawear on." He reached under her skirt and found the edges of elastic and tugged.

"Hurry up!" Gillian complained loudly.

Cal shushed her gently. "It's very late darlin'," he whispered. "Be just a little bit quiet."

"Funny," Gillian noted, shifting slightly. "Cos I recall a time when you were very quiet in bed and then all of a sudden discovered how much fun it was to talk." She took a sharp breath as Cal pushed her skirt up and out of the way, continuing to guess and feel his way in the darkness. "Talk to me."

"So long as you be quiet," Cal responded leaning over her as he slid fingers against her.

"I promise!" Gillian called to the ceiling.

"That's not bein' quiet," Cal reprimanded, withdrawing his hand. He shifted further up her body. "Show me you can be a good girl," he murmured and kissed what he thought was the side of her neck. He was close, it was her jaw. She turned her head and kissed him hotly while pressing her hips against him, her hands taking a possessive hold of his biceps.

"I can be a good girl," she told him.

"I know you can. And you can also be a very naughty girl," Cal responded.

"Mmm yeah, tell me just how naughty."

Cal pushed against her and she immediately shifted to give him better access. Her legs hooked around his waist and pulled him in deeper. "Oh god yes!" She cried out. "That's what I wanted. All evening."

"Then why did you go out?" Cal murmured. "You could have stayed in."

"Ugh Kate's friend Maria started it," Gillian complained. Her hands shifted to his shoulders, bracing as he pulled away from her and then back. "She kept talking about this guy she was seeing and their sex life and then Kate started comparing and I felt left out."

"You told them about our sex life?"

"No!" Gillian was adamant. "Not all of it."

"I'm not gonna be able to look Kate in the eye next time I see her."

"Relax," Gillian patted his shoulder. "I didn't give them details."

Cal gave a grunt. "Not sure that makes me feel betta."

"I told them you were huge. Very well endowed."

"Well that bit is at least true."

Gillian giggled a half second before Cal started laughing. "What am I laughin' for?" Cal asked the room. "That shouldn't be funny."

Gillian gave a sigh. "It's cos it's true that's why it's funny."

"It's funny cos I can't imagine you tellin' anyone that much detail about your life."

"I tell you stuff."

Cal could hear her pout easily through the darkness. He thrust a little harder. She gave a moan of delight. His ears strained to hear the faintest sounds in the blackness and so he pushed to hear more.

"Oh god Cal," Gillian's hands moved under his arms and smoothed down his sides to his waist. "You fuck me so good. Every time."

Cal gave a little groan. "You have such a filthy mouth when you've been drinkin'. And I love it."

Gillian gave a little giggle and then she gave it up to focus on breathing. The banter stopped. Cal pushed harder until the bed started banging against the wall and he stopped abruptly. "Don't stop!" Gillian demanded loudly.

"Shhh," Cal immediately told her. He shifted back and she grumped. He told her to be quiet again, pulling her slightly to the side.

"What are you doing?" Gillian demanded.

"Movin'."

"Moving away," Gillian huffed.

"Calm down grumpy," Cal told her positioning himself again.

"It's just that I miss you when you're gone."

"Gosh you talk a load of rubbish when you're pissed."

"I'm not that pissed!" Gillian cried. "I just don't want you to stop."

"I don't want to stop eitha," Cal told her bringing his tempo up hard and fast. The bed rocked side to side now, not against the wall. Gillian brought her hands to his waist again to grip him. She gave a series of short moans as Cal pushed on her diaphragm. "Don't stop. Ever. Don't stop."

**PJ**

The needle bit down into Cal's skin and he steeled himself against the pain of it. It wasn't a pain that was sharp and quick and forgotten, it was a pain that ground against his nerve endings. He broke out in a light sweat, his skin prickling hot while his hands and feet went cold as blood retracted to protect his internal organs; acting as though he were under attack. He _was_ under attack, assaulted with a man with a needle but Cal didn't fight back because this was actually what he wanted. Insane as it was, which he thought almost every time he got more ink embedded under his skin.

"Are you ok?" Gillian asked from the spectator's chair.

"Yep," Cal breathed.

"There's no way you're going to talk me into getting one."

He gave her a slight smile. "What happened to tit for tat?"

"I don't recall ever making that deal with you."

"Hm," Cal pretended to muse. "Must have imagined it then." He rested his head back against the chair and closed his eyes while the artist continued to work on his chest.

Gillian watched Cal's face carefully. He was relatively peaceful but she suspected at least some of it was bravado. The truth was, she loved his tattoos and was flattered on an epic scale that he was getting a piece done with her specifically in mind. Not that he was going to let her see it until it was done. Too bad if she hated it. Not that that should matter. His tattoos had always been for him, and for everyone else to love/admire/wonder about. She thought they were sexy on him; he was the kind of man who could pull them off. She thought about getting one too. But thinking about the pain was about as far as she got.

Today was a very special occasion. It was their wedding anniversary. Their fourth (the thought made Gillian shiver in delight). Lewis was spending the afternoon and evening in the capable hands of Aunt Kate, while Cal and Gillian took the time to just be alone together. They hadn't made plans (aside from the tattoo) and for once were going to do something spontaneous. Gillian was going to make sure they wandered past a movie theatre. Dinner was definitely on the cards, but when and where were open to whatever whim took their fancy. Spontaneous. Whim. Gillian was so excited!

"Still with me?" The artist, Tom, spoke up.

"Yep," Cal answered immediately.

Forty five minutes later the artist wiped away the last of the blood and excess ink. Cal made a little cave out of his hand to cover the work so Gillian still couldn't see it. She pouted at him. "I'm going to see it eventually," she pointed out.

"And I'll make sure you see it late-a," Cal shot back. "Just you wait."

Tom spread anti-septic vitamin E cream over the broken skin and taped plastic wrap over that too. Cal put his shirt back on, they paid and left. Cal slipped his hand into Gillian's as they walked along the street. Gillian leaned against his arm. "What next my darlin'?" Cal asked cheerfully as they strolled along the street in the early spring air. It wasn't freezing cold anymore but it wasn't entirely warm. Cal opened his arm so she could lean against his chest. The other side. Not the one Tom had just assaulted.

"When do I get to see it?"

"When you get me naked late-a on."

"Mmmm," Gillian hummed as she wrapped her arm around the back of his waist.

"So?" Cal prompted. "What are we gonna do now besides go home and have sex?"

An elderly woman walking past turned her head abruptly as she overheard Cal. Gillian laughed. "I don't think the entire block heard you," she told him, who had also noticed their audience.

Cal took a sudden deep breath and opened his mouth. Gillian quickly stuck her finger into his rib. "Ow! God!" Cal objected loudly. He pulled away from her and used his hand to massage the spot. "That really hurts."

"Just keep your filthy mouth between you and me," Gillian warned.

"Am I allowed to get touchy feely?" He gave her a wicked grin.

"So long as it's PG," Gillian told him. Cal held out his hand to her and Gillian willingly took it. They walked in silence for a moment. "I can't help but feel we should be doing something. Rushing to get home to Lewis or something."

"Me too!" Cal agreed.

"Paperwork, or appointments, or daycare..."

Cal's hand shifted up to her neck and gave it a squeeze. "You need to relax." He checked his watch. "Too late to find a day spa. Would you object to a massage parlour?"

"Yes," Gillian told him bluntly. "Unless you feel the need to wear as little as possible and rub me down with body oils."

"Now who's got a filthy mouth?" Cal queried in a low voice.

"Mmmmm I'm hungry," Gillian announced. "Feed me."

"All right," Cal followed. "What do you want?"

"Food. Did you not hear me?"

Cal gave a slight smile. "Shall I pick then?"

They walked a few more meters until they were in the beginnings of a cafe district. Cal strolled along as if he had a purpose now and abruptly turned into a business. He perused the menu and decided he liked it, all of this done in silence, and then found them a table to sit outside in the late afternoon sun. "I love it when you're so decisive," Gillian told him with a loaded tone of voice. She smoothed her foot up his calf.

"Behave you," Cal told her pointedly.

A waiter approached with menus. She introduced herself as Cloe. She told them the specials and asked if they wanted something to drink. Cal indicated Gillian first. She got a glass of white wine. Cal had a light beer; he was driving. They ordered bread and dips to start and then sat and perused their menus. Gillian read down her menu quickly, her eyes searching out something she would find interesting. She could feel Cal's gaze on her. She gave a slight smile and rubbed her foot up his calf again. She felt him shift in his chair. And then his eyes dropped from her face and neck and she smiled a little deeper. Five years of marriage and he was still in lust with her. Good to know.

"I'm going to have the fettuccini," Gillian announced.

"No!" Cal complained immediately. "You can't have somethin' we'd cook at home."

"We'd cook everything on this menu at home," Gillian pointed out.

"No, we neva have steak. Or," Cal's eyes quickly scanned down his still open menu. He got right to the bottom. "Oh look they've got truffle and veal tortellini's."

"You're right, we'd never have that at home. Have you seen how expensive it is?"

"Gillian," Cal looked up to stare her in the eye. "We are celebratin' our god damn weddin' anniversary. So celebrate it!" Gillian gave a slight giggle. Cal pointed at her. "Flirtin' is a good start."

"Oh really?" Gillian teased. She slipped her heel off under the table and ran her foot all the way up his thigh.

Cal just about jumped out of his chair. He looked stunned and then he seemed tense and finally he settled on telling her off. "Not _that_ flirty. I won't make it through dinna."

Gillian gave him a bemused smile. She ran her toes down his thigh again.

"How can you even reach?" Cal asked in amazement while he gripped his menu too tightly.

"You know how flexible I am."

"Oh god," Cal groaned softly. "If you can't behave it'll be straight home to bed!"

"Promise?" Gillian teased.

"Geeze," Cal looked away at his menu again. "Suggest flirty to you and you go batty."

Gillian laughed. "What are you going to have?" She asked slipping her toes back into her shoe, not that she was giving up that easily.

"Hmm," Cal scanned down his menu.

"No wait, let me pick something for you," Gillian opened her menu again. "Seeing as you picked for me." Out of the corner of her eye she felt Cal watch her for a moment and then close his menu. Gillian perused again, looking for something that Cal would like. She found pork chops with apple flavoured mash and green vegetables sautéed in orange infused butter.

"Sounds good," Cal approved.

Their bread arrived and they ordered their mains. Gillian let her foot rest against Cal's, just to remind him that she was still there. Cal raised his glass in a toast, to them of course. The sun also insisted on its presence. Gillian basked in the start of another endless summer, her husband's eyes on her as she adjusted her cardigan to let more rays onto her chest. She flicked her hair back. She was actually quite enjoying this. It had been a long while since she had flirted. Cal signalled the waiter and asked her for a jug of water.

"Not a problem," Cloe answered politely.

"The sun's getting hot," Gillian noted.

"Yeah," Cal agreed too quickly.

Gillian looked over at him. "You're staring."

"What do you expect?" Cal shot back.

"Can you put some pesto on a piece of bread for me?" Gillian asked lightly.

Cal leaned forward to oblige, half way through he seemed to click. "What's wrong with your arms?"

"It's so far away," Gillian tried.

Cal finished spreading pumpkin and mozzarella dip onto the piece of ciabatta. He sat back in his chair with it in his hand. Gillian watched him evenly, waiting to see what he would do. After a moment Cal leaned forward and offered it to her. Gillian gave him a brilliant smile. "Thanks sweetie!"

Cal chuckled. "I know when I'm bein' played."

Gillian pouted at him.

"You can't lie to me."

"Did I try?" Gillian challenged back.

"Ah shit it's gonna be a long night," Cal leaned forward again to spread more pumpkin dip onto a piece of sourdough.

"Oh you have _no_ idea," Gillian said with feeling. Cal dropped the knife. It clattered over the plate to the table top and Gillian laughed. "You did request flirty."

"I know. But I can't get up from the table right now and I actually need to pee," Cal leaned over the table towards her to speak in a loud whisper.

Gillian laughed again. "Ok I'll lay off so you can use the bathroom."

"Thank you," Cal responded stiffly.

"This dip is really nice."

"It is," Cal agreed.

"Do you think Lewis is ok? He's been in a funny mood since Lily..."

"He'll be fine," Cal told her gently. "It's more like the rest of them you should worry about."

"Aw don't joke," Gillian felt a pang. "Maybe I should call and see if he's ok."

"Don't you dare!" Cal's hand shot out to catch her wrist. "He'll be fine. Kate's kids torture us just as much when they come ova."

Gillian gave him an even expression.

"All right, they just torture _me_," Cal corrected. "Lewis will be fine and Kate is more than experienced in dealin' with cryin' kids. This is a terrible subject change. Go back to flirtin'."

"Show me the tattoo," Gillian said instead.

"No you have to wait until I can clean it up a bit. Get the blood and excess ink off. Othawise it won't be pretty." He gave a pout. "And it's very pretty."

Gillian gave a slight smile. She had done some light snooping to see if she could find out what he was getting done before hand. But she wasn't as skilled as Cal in the spying department because she worried about getting caught too much to really be invested. "Did you hear about the earthquake in Yemen?"

"That's good, gettin' me to think about dead kiddies in the middle of our date. Way to kill the mood."

"You want to go to the bathroom or not?" Gillian told him pointedly.

"Gettin' a bit desperate," Cal gave a little wince and shot her desperate eyes.

"The Lightman Group made a donation."

"Oh did it?" Cal raised an eyebrow.

"For the relief effort," Gillian clarified. She reached for another piece of bread. "And for the record. They haven't listed any fatalities yet. The Lightman Group donated medical supplies to those that survived."

"They're lucky no one's been killed."

"I'd say they're very lucky."

Cal got up suddenly. "Be right back."

Gillian smirked at his retreating form as he quickly rushed inside. She gave a light laugh and finished her bread, brushing crumbs from her fingers and her lap. A group of ten arrived at the cafe, were greeted by Cloe, and were shown inside to their table. Gillian sipped her wine, loving how the fresh light flavour reminded her of spring. Hope and new beginnings. Fate and whatever else it had in store for her. She was learning to trust in fate. What other choice did she have?

Cal came back and dropped heavily into his chair. Gillian watched him, still amused, over the rim of her wine glass. "Better?" she asked innocently.

"Much betta," Cal agreed. He took a swig of his beer as he watched her. "You look gorgeous this aftanoon."

Gillian gave him a slow smile. "Thank you. I think you look gorgeous too."

"How many times I gotta tell you? Blokes are handsome."

"You're gorgeous to me," Gillian told him as she put her glass back down on the table.

Cal gave a slight grin. "All right then, ready?"

Gillian raised her eyebrows, a silent 'for what' and then when Cal started undoing the buttons of his shirt they went higher, a silent 'what are you doing?' Cal only undid the first three buttons and then pulled the material to the side so his chest was exposed above his heart, where his new tattoo had just been laid down. "I'm allowed to see now?" Gillian leaned forward eagerly.

"Yep," Cal leaned forward too so she could see. The tattoo was no bigger than the length of Gillian's palm. It was red around the edges, the skin slightly swollen in protest. Cal must have cleaned it off in the bathroom, despite telling her she would have to wait until they were at home. The word 'promise' was marked out in handwriting that looked very similar to Cal's and above that, it took her a moment to recognise the image, but when she did, her heart beat a little quicker as she realised what he had done. The graphic above the word 'promise' was the silhouette of two hands gripping in a 'pinky swear'. Cal's gift to her on their fifth wedding anniversary was a permanent 'pinky swear'.

"Now I'll always keep that promise," Cal told her. He closed his shirt again and re-buttoned just as their main meals arrived.

Gillian waited for the waitress to disappear inside again before she spoke. Not that she could form words properly then anyway. "That's..."

"Too much?" Cal asked picking up his cutlery. "Cos it's kind of hard to take that back now."

"No, it's perfect," Gillian corrected and felt a flash of tears.

"Why are you upset?" Cal was immediately concerned.

"I'm not upset," Gillian told him quickly. "I'm overwhelmed."

"At least you're not undawhelmed," he gave a cocky grin and Gillian smiled.

She shook her head slightly. "No, I've never been underwhelmed by you Cal."

"That's good to know. Now eat. So we can go home and have lots of sex."


	14. Chapter 14

_AN: M rated section_

**PJ**

"And then if you're a good boy..." Gillian whispered in her husband's ear as she ran her hand up his thigh.

"Oh god, stop," Cal groaned immediately. "I'm serious. I'm gonna have a bloody car accident if you carry on."

"You wanted flirty," Gillian pouted with a smile as she moved further back into her seat on her side of the car. She wasn't offended, in fact, she was pleased.

"I did, god, I know I did, but I just, you've neva been so damn good at it." He glanced over at her quickly. "You been practisin'?"

Gillian laughed. "No. Maybe you've just never been on the receiving end of the full force of it."

Cal shook his head. "I don't think I have. I'm pretty sure you would have killed me with it years ago. You need a license."

"Or maybe I've never needed to with you."

"There is that," Cal clicked his fingers like she had just voiced an epiphany. "Wait, does that make me easy?"

"A little bit yeah."

He glanced over at her again so she gave him a grin. He chuckled. "I think it's just that you have me wrapped around your little finga."

"Same thing," Gillian gave a shrug. They drove on in silence for a moment longer. "You know," she shifted again so she was leaning towards him. "All the flirting... it makes me horny too."

Cal's hands tightened on the steering wheel again. "I was just calmin' down!"

"I know," Gillian responded smugly.

"You're playin' me aren't you?"

"Yes."

Cal gave another groan and slowed down for a light. He looked over at her and then deliberately shifted his hand to adjust his trousers. "You know I'm very uncomfortable right now."

Gillian gave him a sweet smile. "Awww. I'll make it better when we get home."

"You betta," Cal warned lightly. "All this teasin'..."

"Trust me, it leads to something," Gillian assured him. "Something great."

Cal stared at her for a long time without blinking. Desperation was mixed with hunger. She could _feel_ his muscles coiled with tension from where she sat, leaning towards him, less than a foot of distance between them. "Cal," she told spoke gently. "The light has changed."

He blinked and seemed to come to and turned to face the road again, "Right."

Gillian let them drive in silence for a few minutes longer. Then she started to think of other things she could talk about that would make him crazy. But nothing felt quite right and she felt she had made her point... He was turned on. She could see that. And so was she. The promise of sex was there. She had done enough. Now the silence itself was compounding on the ideas she had already planted.

Cal sped up their driveway and slammed the breaks just before he nudged the shelves in the back of the garage with the front of his car. He turned in his seat before he'd even turned the ignition off and grabbed Gillian to bring her lips within kissing distance. He gave a satisfied moan as their mouths pressed together; the first effort at relieving the tension was soothing. Gillian heard the click of her seat belt and Cal's hands rough on her arms as he moved her and the strap so it would recoil back into place. Freed, Gillian pressed closer against him while he kissed her ferociously. Then the click of his catch and his rough movements as he also let his belt spring back to its home base. Cal pulled her closer still until the gear shift was digging painfully into her thigh. She pulled away from him, breathing heavily, "you know there's a perfectly good bedroom inside."

"We haven't done it in the car," Cal pointed out, his forehead resting against hers while he also got some air.

"And one day, if we're ever stuck in a snowstorm on the interstate, then we can definitely have sex in the car. But while there's a comfy bed..." Cal cut her off by pressing his mouth against hers. "Inside," Gillian added while Cal's hand slid up her thigh. She quivered and then slowly pried his hands off of her and finally pulled away from his lips and pressed herself against the far side of the car. Cal was leaning so far over she thought he might actually fall into her lap. Not that that would be a bad thing.

"What was that?" Cal asked almost instantly.

"What?"

"Whateva just went through your mind. It was deliciously naughty."

Gillian gave him a smug grin. "Wouldn't you like to know?" She reached for the handle and pulled it.

"No!" Cal complained. "Tell me. I wanna know," he implored as Gillian got out of the car.

Too much of her own blood must have moved south too because as Gillian got to her feet she felt lightheaded. She certainly hadn't drunk that much at dinner for this very reason. She had a game to play with Cal. "Come on," she coaxed through the open door. Cal looked up at her like he was being rebuffed. She closed the car door gently and started to slowly walk away. She saw Cal turn in the car abruptly and as she moved into the house proper, heard the door slam shut and his shoes on the concrete of the garage floor. He rushed. He might have even run. Impressive that he could move so quickly when he wanted to.

Gillian walked backwards through the internal door into the hallway. "Good boy," she encouraged with another smirk as Cal caught up to her easily. Gillian walked herself backwards into the nearest wall and Cal's mouth crashed down onto hers a second later. She loved the feeling of being trapped against the wall and his body. His mouth was hot and relentless and his hands tugged at various sections of her clothing but seemed unable to make any coherent moves to undressing her.

Cal shifted his mouth to her neck and his hands further down to lift under her dress. Gillian bucked at the feeling of his firm fingers over her thighs. He didn't give himself a lot of room to move because his hips were pressed tightly against hers and they rocked into her slowly as he hungrily teased her neck. "Ugh god you smell amazin'," Cal groaned against her skin.

Gillian smoothed her hands over the back of Cal's shoulders. "Good boy, use your words," she encouraged. Cal gave another little grunt as he spread kisses around her neck to the other side and teased her ear lobe. "Mmmm," Gillian hummed as she hugged him closer to her chest. "Can't hear you."

"Uh," Cal seemed momentarily flustered. "Um, what do you want me to say? You're far sexi-a than any otha woman I know because I know you so damn well and I know exactly where that sexiness comes from?"

"Where does it come from?" Gillian breathed into his ear.

"Confidence and bein' secure in your own skin and oh god," he groaned again as Gillian traced her tongue around his ear. "Smokin' hot body." His fingers dug into the top of her thighs and held on for dear life. He ground his hips into her harder than before and it was enough for Gillian's breathing to suddenly go out of synch. Even more blood flooded south and she gasped for air while clinging on to him like he was her lifeline.

"Bedroom," she panted desperately. "Now. Right now Cal." She pushed her hips off the wall and then her shoulders and they staggered while they kissed down the hallway, tugging at clothing but not finding enough of a purchase to make headway. Gillian stumbled in her heels and Cal caught her easily. She kicked them off. Then they kissed, standing in the middle of their bedroom floor, their arms so tightly around each other, the press of their chests was almost painful. They kissed until Gillian felt like she might suffocate (which she conceded to herself, really wouldn't be a bad way to go).

"I have a surprise for you," Gillian told him, pushing the straps of her dress from her shoulders. "Zip," she instructed him and he dropped his hand immediately to feel for the zipper in the back. He tugged the closure open and pushed the material down over her hips so it fell to the floor in a heap. Cal's eyes widened when she was exposed to him and she could see how dark his pupils had gotten.

"Wow," Cal breathed and actually took a step back to see her better. His hand readjusted his trousers suddenly.

"Happy anniversary," Gillian supplied quietly. She watched as Cal's eyes roved up over her chest and down to her feet, and then back again, making her skin prickle. He continued to stare as he closed the gap between them again, as if he couldn't bring himself to tear his eyes away.

"So sexy," he told her, his eyes full of lust, as his hands found their way to her upper arms and he pulled her towards him as he met her from the other direction. Gillian bit her bottom lip slightly, a little shock wave of desire squirming its way through her abdomen. She sighed into him before he kissed her again. His body temperature had ratcheted up several notches so when she pressed against him she felt warmer. She could also feel how hard he was without even using her hands.

"Shoes," she managed between addictive kisses.

"Huh?"

"Take your shoes off," Gillian told him. Cal shifted his weight back and forth as he kicked his shoes off too. "Socks," Gillian prompted. Cal bent slightly to oblige flicking his socks to the side. He seemed eager and Gillian realised he quite liked being told what to do. "Belt," she told him next. "Just the belt."

Cal's fingers fumbled with his own catch as he moved hurriedly. Gillian thought about stepping in to help him as she watched amused, but he got it and pulled it so quickly out of the belt loops that it snapped against his arm. Gillian gave him a little amused smile, "Good boy." Cal gave her a slight grin in return. He moved towards her again but Gillian stepped back, "Uh uh. Shirt." Cal reached for the buttons. "Nope," she shook her head at him as she reached with her fingers. She pried his hand away, "me."

Cal immediately dropped his hands to his sides. Gillian started at the top and worked her way down. When she reached the last she slipped her hand down the front of his pants. Cal threw his head back. "Oh God!" Then he looked mortified, "Oops." And almost instantly on the heels of that was relief. "Oh wait, I don't have to be quiet."

Gillian grinned, "No you don't."

Cal's returning grin faded slowly. He closed his eyes and grimaced, "Please luv, stop teasin' me. I'm worried I'm gonna lose it."

"Not so fun when the teasing is on the other foot huh?" Gillian removed her hand and instead brought both up to push his shirt down his shoulders and arms.

"To be fair, you've been teasin' me since we woke up."

Gillian gave a small smile. With the shirt gone she undid the button of Cal's trousers and the zipper. She couldn't help but have her fingers all over him and as she reached behind him to push the material of his trousers down his backside she stepped forward and whispered into his ear. "I can't help it. I just want to touch you."

Cal's hips bucked into her. He groaned loudly, his hands gripping her hips. "Please, go ahead, before I embarrass myself and just come in my pants."

Gillian gripped the elastic of his underwear and pushed it down. "Wait for me."

"I'm tryin'!"

Gillian followed his underwear down over his thighs, freeing him abruptly from the material. Cal gave a strained sigh. His hands were forced to shift from her hips to her shoulders as she knelt in front of him. She tapped the inside of his ankle to tell him to lift his foot, then the other. She threw his underwear to the side amongst the pile of his clothes. She looked up at him. His eyes were screwed shut and she was aware of the pressure of his finger tips against her flesh. He was already so huge and throbbing and turned on Gillian thought she might have to rethink her battle plan. "Cal?"

"Yes?" He ground out.

"Am I going to have to send you for a cold shower?"

Gillian waited and after a second Cal opened his eyes to look at her. "That might be a good idea."

"Ok," she gave him a slight smile and got to her feet again. Cal looked a little shocked. She took him by the hand and started to back up slowly. "Mind if I join you though?" Cal gave an incoherent response but his eyes widened slightly "Didn't think I would let you do anything in there that I wouldn't do for you, did you?" His eyes got wider. Gillian pushed the bathroom door open with her free hand and stepped over the cold tiles to the fluffy mat in front of the sink. She kept going until her searching hand felt the cool glass of the shower door. "Cos I have a plan and you're not going to ruin it. So," she popped the door open and raised her other hand that was entwined within the fingers of Cal's and pushed him back a step so she wouldn't accidently touch him but could also open the door fully.

She tugged him towards her again and stepped carefully within the shower cubicle, pulling him mutely along behind her. She turned the water on and gasped loudly as the first cold stream gushed over her head. She was aware of her heart pounding with adrenaline, her first reaction to run. "Door," she told Cal. He reached for it obediently and closed it. Gillian pulled him into the stream of water and felt his body spasm from the shock.

"Bloody hell!" He complained loudly. He tugged his hand free of hers and wiped the water out of his eyes. Then he looked her up and down. She was still in her underwear and her skin had puckered from the shock of the cold. "I'm not sure this is helpin'," he growled. He had an arm around her quickly, pulling her against his chest to kiss her deeply.

Gillian turned them so Cal's back was against the spray. She broke away from him and shivered. "Turn around," she instructed. Cal obeyed, brushing against her as he moved. Gillian shivered again; a different reason this time. She rested her chin on his shoulder, her left hand slipping into his. "Now think about baseball."

"Can't. Thinkin' about you."

"You can't see me."

"You think that's gonna stop me from fantasisin'? I know what you look like with my eyes closed. I know what you look like with your eyes closed, squirmin' beneath me in ecstacy..."

"Ok," Gillian tried to cut him off.

"Callin' out my name..."

"Stop!" Gillian told him, feeling a flood of heat between her thighs. She placed her lips to his shoulder, tonguing over his wet skin, the freshness of the water contrasting against the warmth of his skin.

"You can't lie to me..."

"Trust me, I would never dare."

"I know you want me as badly as I want you."

"I wasn't denying that Cal."

"Am I ruinin' your game?"

"You're making me rethink my plans."

Cal's head shifted to look down and Gillian raised herself up on her tip toes to see over his shoulder. From there she could see the black ink and red swell of his new tattoo. "Not really workin' luv."

"You're not thinking about baseball at all are you?"

"Not when you're pressing your breasts into my back and lettin' me talk dirty..."

Gillian gave a little sigh. She moved her idle right hand around his hip and gripped him close to his pelvis. His entire body twitched. She stroked up firmly.

"Oh god! What are you doin!?" Cal's voice rose so high it almost got lost over the sound of the water running.

"Changing my plans."

"No! Wait! I can..." he stopped, words lost for a moment as Gillian kissed his neck. "I can control myself," he finished weakly.

"Sure you can," Gillian told him gently. "Just not on this occasion."

"I'm sorry," Cal moaned as his hips rocked in time with her hand. "I'd ratha shag you too."

"And you better. But later. We have time. Hours until we have to pick Lewis up from the babysitter."

"Uh, no!" He took her wrist and pulled her hand away. "No, I want to wait. It's our anniversary. I want to do it togetha." He turned, his left hand pulling out of hers. "What you need," he told her as he leaned into her neck. "Is to catch up." He kissed along her neck, sucking up the water on her skin like she had done a moment ago. "And fast," he growled as their bodies came into contact.

Gillian shivered but she was no longer sure it was because of the cold water or because Cal's tongue knew every pore of her skin and how to get a reaction out of it. His hands wrapped around behind her and unclasped her bra in an expert way. "Let's get you out of these wet clothes before you catch a chill," he murmured near her ear as he slowly peeled the straps over her arms. He felt his way because he refused to step back. Gillian smoothed her hands over his shoulders, searching out for the tell-tale gooseflesh that would tell her he was also cold. The water pounded into his back. His skin was cool to the touch but not puckered like hers. Between them though, where their skin made contact, it was delightfully hot.

Cal's hands came up to her breasts, pressing firmly against both of them. Gillian leaned into his palms, wanting to feel the weight of him too. But she was careful of the lower half of her torso and it seemed Cal was conscious of his too because they didn't stand that close to each other. Cal dipped his head to her chest, licking and sucking up the water that ran in slow streams over her skin. The water continued to pound off his back and misted into her face as he lowered his altitude further, his fingertips dipping beneath the elastic of the matching lace underwear. He was preparing to get on his knees before Gillian tugged his hair. "No. Not here."

Cal's hands kneaded her ass. "Where? Please tell me where?"

"Bedroom."

Cal's hands slid easily over her wet skin, up her back to the back of her shoulders. He kissed her roughly so Gillian bit his lip and he drew back sharply. "We could stay here."

"It's slippery," Gillian pointed out.

Cal looked over his shoulder as if he was calculating just how far away the bedroom was.

"And there's not as much friction this way."

Cal quivered.

"Turn the water off," Gillian demanded and he immediately complied. She gave a slight smile as the room suddenly got very quiet and she could hear just how heavily he was breathing. She pushed on the shower cubicle door. Despite all the teasing, and the enticing wetness of their bodies, Cal was getting a firmer grip on his self control. He kept his hands on her as they moved to the bedroom, fingers in her underwear and over her hips; intermittent kisses and caresses and a throbbing desire to feel each other.

"Are we done with the teasin' yet?"

"It's called foreplay Cal."

"Foreplay that starts at nine in the mornin'?"

"Yes."

"I want you so badly," he moaned, almost whined; he was complaining and he tugged her closer to him. "I swear to god, I'm gonna make a mess on the bedroom floor if..."

"So take me," Gillian murmured against his mouth as she tugged him towards her hips and rubbed hers against him. Cal let out a low guttural growl and the sound, accompanied with feeling just how hard he was, and how desperately he was holding on, had Gillian hot and scratching at him for more. She pulled and Cal pushed and she was aware she was falling. The soft bounce of the mattress assured her of where she was as Cal smothered her in kisses again, his hot skin flush against hers now. It reminded her of trying to have sex in the back of her boyfriend's car in high school; a kaleidoscopic twist of limbs and kisses; insatiable hunger and a lack of self control.

Cal ripped her underwear away from her and unceremoniously slipped a finger inside her. "You been windin' yourself up too huh?"

Gillian squirmed down on his finger and tried to catch her breath. He curled it and she arched against him. "Yes!" She struggled out. "Of course."

Cal withdrew his finger away and forcibly moved her legs while Gillian grabbed his shoulders and pulled him towards her. She set him off balance and he fell to lean on an elbow. He looked up at her and grinned. He got closer and gave her a sweet kiss. "I love you, you know that?"

Gillian gave him a smile while she drew air into her lungs at an accelerated rate. "Yeah I know that." She pulled him closer again to kiss him firmly as he pushed into her at the new, steadier pace. Gillian tilted her hips and wrapped her legs around his waist. She could feel Cal's leg muscles straining against the bed as he pressed until he had pushed all the way in.

"Oh," Cal moaned. Gillian gasped several breaths. Cal looked down on her carefully. "All right?" He whispered. She nodded quickly. As her body adjusted and the slight shock wore off she could feel the throbbing returning, hers and his mixed together and she thought about what it would be like to never have this again. Cal rubbed his pubic bone against her and sent her into another desperate grab for air as her muscles seized at the sensation. When her head cleared again she realised both his arms were wrapped around her shoulders; he was hugging her close to him.

"Love me," Gillian murmured, when what she meant was 'make love to me'. Words weren't coming as easily as they usually did.

Cal drew out of her in his slow measured way and Gillian literally felt herself start to breathe easier, right along with immediately wanting him back. And Cal complied; his desire matching hers perfectly without her having to say a word. Gillian sighed and remembered her hands. She threaded fingers into the hair at the back of his neck, not letting him move too far away as he pulled back yet again. Cal took one arm away from her to hold himself up; the angle created a deeper friction and Cal moaned loudly. "Are you goin' to be terribly mad at me if this doesn't last long?" He started moving a little faster; his voice was strained.

Gillian clung on, unable to answer, feeling her heart beating too hard, her body throbbing, an itch, that Cal hadn't scratched for her yet, building to the point of uncomfortableness.

"Gill?" Cal asked again, whispering in her ear.

Gillian thought she might have formed a word but she wasn't sure. Cal pushed into her again and rubbed their bodies together and Gillian threw her head back as if she had suddenly been electrocuted. To be fair, she didn't actually think she could stand much more.

"I'm doin' my best," Cal's voice sounded desperate in her ear. His tempo inched up another notch.

"Ok," Gillian murmured back. Her fingernails scratched into the back of his shoulder as she clawed him, wanting more, so much more. "More," she told him. "Please."

Cal gave a grunt in compliance and thrust harder, faster. "Shit Gillian!" And Gillian thought '_I know' _but the words got lost in her throat. Cal started groaning and Gillian found herself mimicking his moans until they both started crying out nonsense to the room as they drove closer and closer to the edge.

Their breathing was erratic and their movements fraught with desperation until finally it seemed Cal couldn't take it anymore. "I'm gonna," he panted. "I'm sorry."

Gillian's desperate thought was '_don't go there without me'_. She gripped him harder, her body coiling tighter. She bucked her hips against him, trying to tell him without words what she needed. Cal shifted his weight to one hand and pushed his other between them. His fingers were rough, but purposeful and there was no way she could have held off even if she wanted to. She was tipped into ecstasy by the feeling of her husband loving her.

Cal came so hard he arched his back, like he was howling at the ceiling, and let out a long drawn out cuss as he froze up. Gillian looked up at him as the last vestiges of her pleasure rippled out of her abdomen. He stayed that way for a long minute, like he was holding a pose to be sculpted, like he was on show for her. Gillian looked over his chest, the new tattoo that was still angry red and his hips that became lost amongst her thighs.

"Oh god!" Cal moaned, seeming to come to his senses again. He moved away from her, falling heavily to the mattress beside her, face down. "I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure, that's the hardest I've eva come in my life."

A slight laugh escaped Gillian's throat. She rolled into him and petted the hair at the back of his damp neck. "Aw who's my good boy huh? Such a good boy," she used her 'Lewis' tone of voice and kissed the side of his neck, where his head was turned. Leaning over him she could see his eyes were closed.

"I'm a good boy cos I held on for so long?"

"Yes," Gillian kissed his temple. "That's exactly it."

"Happy fuckin' anniversary," Cal grumped.

"It sure was," Gillian agreed happily.

Cal gave a chuckle. "Did I pass your test then?"

"Very much so," Gillian murmured in his ear.

"Mmmm," Cal groaned again. "I love that we didn't have to be quiet for once. I love it when you scream out my name."

Gillian gave a slight smirk even though he wasn't watching her face. "Is that what I said?"

"You don't remember?" Cal asked amused.

"Nope. I just had no idea what I said in the actual moment."

"Perhaps I should consider myself lucky you even said my name," Cal turned on to his back.

"I love the tattoo."

"Yeah?" Cal gave her his 'pleased with himself grin'.

"Now I feel like I have to get one to reciprocate."

"You don't have to get permanent ink darlin'. I know. That's enough."

"Do you know?"

"Course I do."

"I mean, do you really know Cal," Gillian shifted so she was leaning on her elbows and facing him. She had spoken with meaning and she watched him now with a hint of worry in her eyes. She was serious. She wanted a serious answer.

Cal trailed his hand up her bare arm. "Course I know."

"I know last year," she stopped suddenly, her throat closing over abruptly. "Almost ruined it," she whispered.

"Hey," Cal spoke gently. "It's all right. It worked out for the best." He knew exactly what she was talking about.

"It almost feels bitter sweet now."

"Don't say that."

"It wouldn't have been worth the risk of losing you."

"You haven't."

"You reached the absolute limit didn't you?"

"Yes."

Gillian nodded gravely.

"Come here," Cal coaxed. Gillian shifted forward a little. Cal rested his hands on each of her cheeks and lifted his head to give her a sweet kiss.

**PJ**

"Cal," Gillian leaned over his sleeping form.

"Hmm?"

"I'm going to get Lewis."

Cal lifted his head, bleary eyes blinking in confusion. "Is it time already?"

"Yes," she smoothed her head down the back of his head. "But it's ok. It's still early. We can put him to bed and then," she leaned down to kiss his earlobe. "Carry on," she added softly.

"I'll come with you," Cal attempted to turn over.

Gillian pressed on his shoulder, "no you stay. I won't be long." She leaned down again to kiss his cheek. "I need you rested up." She couldn't see Cal's returning smirk because their bedroom was dim but she heard him chuckle and it caused her to smile. They had made it to four years of marriage. It wasn't anything close to being like a bed of roses but then she hadn't realistically expected it to be.

Gillian pulled their bedroom door close on her naked husband and headed into the garage. To be honest, she had expected a different set of problems. And most of them she would have pinned on Cal's responsibility. Cal liked to run off to be the hero and Gillian mothered. That's who he was and that's who she was and it had come down to not attempting to change the other, or trying to control the other, but tolerating and dealing. It felt like they had reached the point of accepting and being grateful for what they had: each other, a family, genuine happiness.

Gillian turned the engine over of her car. She waited for the garage door to go up and smiled to herself as she turned to back out.

And a really, really, really great sex life!

**PJ**

_AN: So that's the end once again. Thank you for reading and thank you for reviewing. As you can see, everything is in a slightly different context now with Lily's death being at the forefront of their minds. That was how I intended this story to go. I was even going to post these chapters on the end of part 4 because that story was not resolved without this one. But such is life, we make decisions, and rarely do we get to go back and do them again like I've had the chance to do here. Despite the heartache in the beginning, and the repetition in the end, it's nice to see you have stuck around. So thank you again. And read you around..._


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